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Adapt Or Die: Making Ends Meet In This Economic Cesspool
by Garrett Socol

An intensive, expensive six-month survey recently posed the question: How is the world's declining economy impacting our daily lives?

In an effort to represent both ends of the economic spectrum, researchers studied the responses of three thousand people from two diametrically opposed groups. The first consisted of residents of Beverly Hills, California (one of the richest cities in the U.S., based on IRS figures). The second consisted of citizens of Newark, New Jersey (one of the poorer cities, based on IRS figures). For purposes of clarity, we’ll refer to the wealthy participants as the Trumps and the less privileged participants as the Tramps.  

89% of the Trump women no longer purchase fragrances like Chanel or Escada eau de parfum. Instead, they go for the vastly more affordable eau de toilette, manufactured by the same companies. On the other hand, 92% of the Tramp women have decided that at the end of a long workday there’s nothing wrong with smelling like a garbage truck.

For the Trumps, filet mignon has been replaced with beef kabobs. For the Tramps, beef kabobs have been replaced with Gravy Train on a toothpick.

The Trump men have reduced the number of visits to the dentist from once every six months to an “as needed” basis. Ditto for 90% of the Trump women. The Tramps have adopted a revolutionary outlook on oral hygiene. They believe the erosion of teeth is a natural progression, like the graying of hair and the varicosing of veins. Therefore, if the wrinkled face of a senior citizen should command respect, the same should apply to discolored, rotting teeth.

85% of the Trumps have replaced slim, aesthetically pleasing bottles of Evian with family-size jugs of Arrowhead. The Tramps have replaced family-size jugs of Arrowhead with ordinary tap water. However, if the color of the tap water is burnt umber or rust rather than clear or very pale blue, a six-pack of Mountain Dew, kept under lock and key, may come to the rescue.

87% of Trump women have given up shopping at Jimmy Choo (albeit begrudgingly), taking their business to Payless. (The remaining 13% continue to patronize the upscale shoe boutique, but they attempt to shoplift at least one pair per visit.). The Tramps, for whom Payless was once a popular destination, have embraced the notion that barefoot is beautiful.

58% of the Trump women have bravely given up bimonthly oxygenating facials. The remaining 42% are making a valiant attempt to embrace their blackheads and clogged pores. None of the Tramp women ever exfoliated on a regular basis, and they don’t plan to start now.

In an effort to cut toiletry costs, 75% of the Tramp gals have given up shaving their legs and armpits. The majority of the Trump women continue to shave, but they’ve said bye-bye to their bikini waxes (except during the summer months).

A staggering 99% of the men and women in the Trump category have downsized their Starbucks drinks from venti to tall. The same applies to the Tramp men (except those 5’7” or shorter). The Tramp women have stopped drinking coffee altogether. They don’t wish to stay awake any longer than necessary.

There are two striking similarities in the research findings:

1. Several individuals in both groups used their ingenuity to make a fortune by identifying a niche that needed to be filled. One Trump man started a small press that publishes poetry written by women over 65. One Tramp woman began a photography studio specializing in family portraits of Aboriginal Australians.

2. 93% of newlyweds from both groups have decided to raise dogs instead of children. Not only is the cost of raising a canine considerably less than that for a toddler, the chances of teenage pregnancy (as well as drug addiction and boyfriend problems) are remarkably slim in the pooch world. Plus, a dog is born fully clothed and in no need of the latest from Stella McCartney or Donatella Versace.