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Behind The Scenes At The Winter Olympics
by Roger Freed

SCENE: Vancouver General Hospital
TIME: The 2010 Winter Olympic Games
The emergency telephone rings.

Nurse: Vancouver General.

Voice on phone: Ambulance 253 here! We're bringing in a code 5.

Nurse: What? Yet another! Who is it this time?

Ambulance: It's members of the Peruvian Bobsled team. They've apparently overdosed on the Officially Sponsored Olympic soft drink.

Nurse: I don't believe it! That's the fourth case today and it isn't even noon!

Doctor: Who were the other three?

Nurse: At 5 AM the Lithuanian Ice Square Dancing team called in all claiming stomach cramps from eating Officially Sponsored Olympic candy bars. Then at 8:15 four members of the Angolan Muskox Riding team were admitted with severe skin rashes from wearing Officially Sponsored Olympic jock straps. At 10:00 they brought in a couple from the Ukrainian Toboggan team complaining of foot pains from wearing Officially Sponsored Olympic snow boots.

Doctor: This is like a plague!

Telephone rings.

Nurse: Vancouver General. Yes? Oh, Heavens!

Doctor: What is it?

Nurse: The entire Outer Mongolian Yak Racing team is dead?

Doctor: What happened?

Nurse: Their coach put them all on a strict diet of nothing but Officially Sponsored foods and their intestines seized up!

Doctor: That does it! Get me the head of the Olympic Committee!

Nurse: (Dials telephone.) Here he is.

Doctor: Hello, this is Doctor Gunther from Vancouver General. We are getting swamped here with people getting sick from all these so-called "Official Olympic" things. It's bad enough we're having all the normal accidents that occur at the Olympics, but now we are getting all this weird stuff too.

Official: I don't like it anymore than you do! These big companies practically own the Olympics now. This garbage they are pushing is making headaches for us too. The runners keep tripping up because of all the "Official" chewing gum on the track. The Arab teams are up in arms because the only "Official" meat is bacon. The Japanese are humiliated because the "Official" line of sports clothing is from an American firm and they can only fit into the children's sizes. There are even pushers hanging around the front gates selling what they claim to be the "Official Olympic' drugs!

Doctor: Good heavens! Is there no answer?

Official: Listen, there is something you can do. We can grant you two million dollars in subsidy money if you let up, put up signs saying that your hospital is the Official Olympic Hospital...

Doctor: NO! THIS IS NOT A WALMART!!! Next thing you know you will want to put advertising in the ambulances!

Official: Now there is an idea!

Doctor: (Angrily hangs up) Incredible!

Nurse: Another strange part of it is that one of the major sponsors of the games is the world's largest soft drink companies whose office for all Canada is here in Vancouver. They have so much control of the market that no one dares even to whisper the name of one their competitors.

Doctor: This certainly isn't anything to make one feel sprite about!


Doctor: OK, OK! Tell me, is Dr. Pepper in today?


Doctor: This is really a lot of bull!

Nurse: That you can say as long as you don't say "Red" before it!