To Love, Honor
and Suffer
by Lisa Barker
Being accused
of snoring is one thing. Being accused of
honking is completely ridiculous.
"I don't
honk in my sleep," I told my husband.
"Yes, you
do."
He told me to
get some of those strips that you put across your
nose to help reduce snoring. I'm game, but I said,
"It might not work. I'm fat and I can't
sleep on either side very well anymore so I have
to sleep on my back."
"And honk."
"I do not
honk!"
"Yes, you
do."
Fine. I went
to the store and perused the remedies. I found
some sprays and what little I read surprised me.
Was my husband supposed to squirt my throat or
give me a shot up the nose when I snored? I wasn't
about to give him that kind of power. Happily
married couples don't give their spouses the
power to blast them with anti-snoring spray just
willy-nilly. And knowing my husband, that kind of
power would go straight to his head.
I'd be
lounging on the sofa watching my favorite show
when all of a sudden I'd get a blast of anti-snoring
spray in the face.
"What's
that for?"
"Just
testing."
"But I'm
not snoring."
"You
honked."
"Yeah,
that again."
So I studied
the boxes of strips. None of them guaranteed a
thing and I figured since I was at the 'honking'
stage of snoring I definitely needed something
far superior. That's why I chose the nose rings.
Yes, I did because there comes a time in a
married person's life when they love their spouse
so much they are willing to try the ridiculous
just to please their beloved.
Besides, I'm
afraid of the dark and can't sleep without my
husband in bed and he was threatening to sleep on
the sofa unless I found a way to stifle my
nightly Canadian goose call. And, the box
guaranteed that their product blew all the others
away. Pun intended?
As it turned
out the nose ring really worked and I didn't
snore at all. It kept me awake most of the night
because I forgot I was wearing it and kept
swatting my nose while my husband got the best
night of sleep in his life.
I, on the
other hand, had to listen to him snore all night
long, if that's what you want to call it. It
sounded more like somebody trying to start a weed
whacker. At least I can honk steadily and not
have this burst of sound like ripping sheets,
followed by dead silence and then another quick
burst. Who can fall asleep to that?
I think I'll
get some of that spray stuff for my husband. I'm
sure the power won't go to my head.
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