The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

The Greatest Loser
by Maranda Russell

"Congratulations! You have entered the Guinness Book of World Records for accumulating the most manuscript rejections in the past year! I have been sent to interview you and find out how you accomplished this magnificent feat. What would you say got you to where you are today?"

"Well, to be absolutely honest, I just suck. My writing lacks flavor and that certain undefinable thing that all the editors are hunting."

"Come now, surely as many times as you have submitted work, there was an editor somewhere who appreciated it?"

"Not really. Some of my favorite editorial comments of all time were the following:"
1. I wouldn't read this to my dead grandma...or my dead goldfish.
2. If you wanted to torture me, why didn't you just make me listen to Barry Manilow instead of reading this crap?
3. This story really came in handy when I ran out of toilet paper. Thanks!
4. Ok, I must admit you had us all in stitches, now where is your real submission?
5. Do you write scripts for "The Hills"?

"Wow, those are some pretty harsh comments. Do you hold grudges against these editors?"

"No, that would be pointless. When I take over the world, I will just punish them then. Grudges are stupid and they give you wrinkles. Revenge is beautiful and makes you smile."

"What would you tell others who want to follow in your footsteps?"

"I would say the most important things are to dream big and always believe in yourself. That will set you up for a giant fall into the canyon of disappointment. Once there, just dwell on all the pity you feel towards yourself. There is no better way to become a great loser. When life knocks you down, whine and cry for awhile, and then find someone else to blame for your problems. I find that your parents or the government are always handy scapegoats."

"This interview has been most illuminating. I just have one other question before I go. Who has been the greatest inspiration to you?"

"There are actually two famous characters that I find myself studying and following. The first is Eeyore. His gloomy outlook and tail-tucked-between-the-legs attitude mirror exactly the atmosphere that I strive to create in my own life. The other is Hitler. Did you know that before becoming a dictator that Adolf wanted to be an artist?  If only people had bought his paintings, then he never would have wreaked so much havoc on the world. When your dreams of being great are smashed, it always pays to have a backup plan. Just imagine what a painting by Hitler would sell for now. Someday, people will be begging to buy my stories. Of course, they will also be begging for their lives by then, but that's another subject entirely."