Shopping
Conspiracy and Depression
by Usiku
When all
I’m trying to do is go to the store, get my
stuff, a few gifts, pay a fair price and get out,
why does everything about shopping seem to be a
conspiracy?
The retail
experience is like a shell game on a massive bass
ackwards, overproduced scale, making shopping a
gambler’s paradise. There is nothing fair
about supply and demand except laissez-faire.
Also, I have yet to find a single free market in
this economy not even between fish and fruit.
I’m
convinced stores rearrange products frequently to
make customers focus on the hunt rather than how
much. You can’t find items or the employees
who hid them. This is known as merchandising; but
for humans weaned on consumption, it’s
antagonizing. Go color code the floor or
something.
Newsflash
to retailers: Shoppers move items all over
because you do. Parents lose children in stores
because shopping requires so much concentration
and retaliation. Do you think all those clean ups
are accidents? It’s to coax your child labor
out of hiding.
If it’s
all about the endcaps just make the entire store
a bunch of square pods with an endcap on each
side. Aisles of endcaps and one big dizzying
square dance.
All these
pricing schemes seem unnecessary. If you’re
trying to trick or depress customers, just state
prices using minimum wage work hours and quote
quantities in handfuls. By the way, please limit
my options to five or less per product. When I
automatically go into “Eenie Meenie
Minie” mode using fingers and toes, it’s
embarrassing.
“Give me
more at the store” is the newest customer
movement and mantra. Here’s the customer
service we want:
* Unlock both doors
to prevent the double door dilemma, eliminate the
bounce back effect and reduce our need to sue.
* Carts with
something other than luggage or stagecoach wheels.
* Carts that can be
size adjusted depending on how much I’m
buying or to match my mood. (See Hasbro’s
transformer technology.)
* Carts with heel
guards, car avoidance systems and that can find
their own way back home.
* Free carwashes
while we roam and free shoe shines, manicures,
pedicures, massages, mimes, magicians…while
customers wait in congestion at check out.
* Check out lines
with big screen TV’s, cable, couches and
hors d’oeuvres.
* Dinner and a
thirty minute movie at checkout would make the
wait worthwhile and make me shop more. These
services will fit into the same space occupied by
the twenty closed check out lines.
* Lastly, we will
continue to mail-in for rebates only if you will
bill us for the purchase, include a copy of the
receipt, mail it to the bill payment fulfillment
center “BPFC” nearest my zip code and
not expect payment until we get our rebate checks.
Contact the BPFC if you don’t get paid
within 8 to 12 weeks after we receive our rebates.
Sounds crazy and promotionally familiar
doesn’t it?
I’ve
concluded, shopping is not simply linked to
depression, it’s the reason for depression.
Going shopping must also be the precursor to
going postal and can probably be linked to all
craziness and all crime. The conspiracy goes
deeper still…
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