Our Governor Is
Better Looking Than Your Governor
by Roger Freed
This is an
open letter to all other citizens of the United
States: our Governor is better looking than your
That's it -
period. No questions asked.
In fact, our
Governor is a pretty hot chick. Of course, in
Alaska, any woman standing on both legs and
having her own teeth is ususally a hot enough
babe to we single guys living here. Still,
Governor Palin is exceptional. Despite glasses
and an educated aura about her, she is still a
sensuous beauty. The glasses and her aura just
make her seem wonderfully chaste and pure just
like Catholic girls in their plaid skirts seemed
to us boys in the non-parochial schools.
pure, that's a personification our last Governor
Murkowski could never have pulled off. Palin is
also quite curvy, but we're not supposed to
notice that in our leader. The male in us notices
it anyway; we can't help it.
Now this isn't
that Ms. Palin isn't a solid pretender to the
throne. She paid her dues being the mayor of
Wasilla, which is the Chicago of Alaska. It is a
commuter community to Anchorage (our New York),
yet stands on its own feet as a lovely place made
even lovelier by Ms. Palin's presence. She has a
good head on her shoulders and a fair outlook on
business and politics alike. It is not like we in
Alaska, being around 65% male, elected her solely
for her looks and charm, although it was real
nice seeing those campaign posters of her sweet
smile all over town.
With such a
cultured person as Ms. Palin in power we are apt
to explode several myths the rest of America has
about Alaska at once. A lot of these illusions
are going to fall like dominoes now, starting
We are male dominated - Remember, the meanest
critters in our woods are the FEMALE bears and
moose. The Alaskan human female falls in line
somewhere after the wolverine.
All Alaskans are ugly - It has long been rumored
that we all were hit a few too many times with
the bad end of an ugly stick. Take a good look at
Ms. Palin to realize the error of that belief,
but not too long. She is OURS, we saw her first.
We are backwoods ignoramuses - No we isn't!! Ms.
Palin embodees all the karackeristiks that a big
city girl needs - sofustication, charmm,
edumication and poize. We don't need no more than
that. And the meaning of 'big city' in Alaska
means any place with its own fire department,
library and indoor plumbing.
are not intellectuals - Ms. Palin wears glasses
and looks smart. That means she is an
intellectual in our book. That's good enough.
That we are all hicks - OK, you got us on that
one. She isn't a miracle worker for crying out
loud! You can't always make wine out of water.
That Alaska is redneck country.- Does that sweet
neck look red? The worst you'll see adorning her
shoulders is a quivit scarf. However she does
have an anchor tattoo on her upper arm - but you
are not supposed to know that.
of a female governor in Alaska might bring about
a whole new era in our history. Maybe men here
will start exploring their feminine side and you
will start seeing Alaskan males knitting lace
doilies for their log furniture instead of
tanning moose hides during the long winter months.
Trappers will reexamine their professions and
start using catch and release methods. Solar
panels and wind generators will sprout everywhere
replacing generations of dependence on oil
drilling and wood stove heat. The lion shall lie
down with the lamb, or, in our case, the grizzly
with the salmon, if that is possible.
band together, secede from the union and become
our own country - oops, you weren't supposed to
know about that either. We can't have Homeland
Security knowing about our 'Alaskans for Seceding
from the Union and Joining Canada Party'.
Of course, it
is not that I'm playing a game of one upmanship
by all this. Just because our state is far bigger
than any of yours, has more pristine wilderness
than yours does and has a higher percentile
income doesn't mean that I am getting snooty on
you. Oh course, I don't need to mention...harumph...
that she is THE VICE PRESIDENT CHOICE FOR THE
REPUBLICANS... harumph!!! We will always give the
lower 48 states credit for having warmer winters,
but then, almost anybody else would including
Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. You folks have the
greater agricultural yield, although pot is legal
here now and we might surpass you on that count
soon. You 'southerners' do have more good looking
women than we do, which is a very sore point with
us, but, like the lonely soldiers of WW II alone
in distant lands, we now have our own pinup girl
to help us get through our long lonely winters.
However, just to be neighborly, you could still
send us some of your women and thereby maybe help
keep us in the union.