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Nut Screws-Up And Bolts
by John Brooke

The new pharmacy cleaner at the Big Box Store, Horace Wackie, was only slightly qualified but his price was right. One night after the store closed he mixed the diuretics, emulsifiers, and laxatives together as a crazy lark. He carefully refilled the empty bottles with the goop sealing them perfectly.

Two days later there was a run on toilet paper, adult incontinence pads, and baby wipes. In one day the store’s entire stock was wiped out.

Horace was fingered as the culprit, a fact confirmed by a Human Resources file that had been misplaced. It revealed that he was a serious shit disturber and an escaped lunatic.

The economy had gone down the toilet. The chain was at the tipping-point. A boo-boo like this could literally flush the firm into the arms of China.

Over the counter drug tampering brought in the FDA, the FBI, the CIA, TGIF and the LOL. There was hardly any room for shoppers.

Management was sure Horace was hiding in their mammoth retail warehouse.

Archibald Whitehead, obese security guard, on the point of retirement was summoned and ordered to nab the maniac and return him to the authorities.

High above in the roof girders, Horace looked down, humans looking like ants were searching for him. Speaking melodramatically to himself; “Me, Horace Wackie; Master of the Galaxy, Supreme Ruler of the Cosmos! …Damn, this has got to be my screw up day. Everything I have touched has turned to… crap. I shouldn’t have tested that concoction on myself!”

Glancing to his right, he saw a large overweight human toad, ascending a girder to the vast roof.

Archibald, breathless, crept up the girder leading to his quarry. He was climbing beyond his ability, but the greedy thought of a retirement bonus propelled him towards the nutcase.

Horace looked on, in a flash reality overcame fantasy. “What the hell am I doing up here? I’m afraid of heights” he said to himself, almost losing his grip.

Archibald was mere inches away from nabbing him. He lunged at the lunatic and missed! He fell.

In an instant, the madman’s strong hands gripped the dangling screaming fatty Archibald eleven stories above the concrete floor.

Below a growing crowd looked up. A few shouted advice, most chanted, “fall, fall, fall.”

The maniac had saved his life. He stopped screaming and looked into Horace” steady gaze.

Horace flicked his eyes over to the left. Archibald, his fat burden, saw a metal ledge jutting out to his right and below. His saucer wide eyes shifted back to Horace, he blinked twice, yes!

The psychotic swung Archibald like a pendulum until his feet touched the ledge. Another swing and his feet landed, Horace released him. Archibald grasped the overhead girder. Scared, his legs vibrating like jackhammers; he looked up to thank his savior.

But the nut had bolted.