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Max Tolerance
(The Automated Phone System By And For Sales Personnel)
by Paul D. Molyneux

Thank you for calling Jeers & Holbrook Appliances. I am Max Tolerance, the latest in automated operators. Your call is important to us. You can talk to me. Just interrupt at any time to direct your call or you may press a corresponding button on your touch-tone phone. If you do not have a touch-tone phone, have a serious speech impediment, or a weird accent, tough luck, bubby. Your call may be monitored for training purposes and entertainment at our next company party.

If you are calling to make a purchase, press “1” or say “Money.” Your call will automatically be moved to the front of the line.

If you are calling to ask a sales associate to recite a list of the features of all our appliances, press “2” or say “Tire kicker.” The approximate wait time for this category is three days.

If you are calling to blame your life’s problems on “the jerk salesperson,” press “3” or say “Idiot.”

If you changed your mind about color and want to blame your salesperson and the entire delivery staff so you don’t have to pay the difference in price for the new color, press “4” or say “Oopsie.”

If you are calling about an appliance that was damaged on delivery, press “5” or say “Damn.”

If you are calling about a delivery that is later than the promised window, press “6” or say “Liar.” For faster response, hang up and wait until your delivery is at least twenty minutes late before calling back. This will give the traffic lights a chance to turn green. Ninety percent of our late trucks arrive in this time span.

If you are calling because of a billing error, press “7” or say “Attorney General.”

If you are calling to complain because your twelve-year-old refrigerator died and your previous one lasted twenty-eight years, press “8” or say “Trash.”

If you are calling because your new appliance is not working properly and you have not read the owner’s manual, press “9” or say “Duh.”

If you are calling because the appliance you bought last week is now on sale for $85.00 less than you paid, press “0” or say “Rip-off.”

If you are calling to praise our service or our products, press the pound sign, or say “Miracle.” Your call will automatically be rerouted to our Public Relations Coordinator. He will arrange written commendation and rebates.

If you are calling to speak to a manager, good luck.

If you made it this far into the menu and have calmed down sufficiently to engage in intelligent interaction and you realize that the wait has prevented you from making an ass of yourself, press the star button or say “I’ll be good.” You will be immediately forwarded to a live person who has the ability and the authority to solve your problem and make you happy within ten minutes.

If you are still out of control, the next sound you hear will be the dial tone.