The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Mamma Always Said What She Meant
by Pamela Tyree Griffin

Mamma always said that if you couldn’t say anything nice, keep your mouth shut. Truth was she had a way around this in almost every situation. Daddy used to say that she could compliment somebody without complimenting them at all and they never knew the difference.

One time at church, Mrs. Eva Mosey wore a perfectly horrible little number. It was a tight, red dress barely covering her gigantic breasts. To top it off it was populated with yellow and green flowers that Mamma said looked like cat spitup. But to Mrs. Mosey Mamma said, “Eva dear you are sure wearing that dress!” This caused Mrs. Mosey to sit a little taller in the pew as she smiled at Mamma. She said, “Why thank you Mrs. Jones-you're so sweet to notice.” See what I mean?

Another time at the grocery store, Archibald the manager offered to take our groceries to the car. He was bald - really no pun on his name intended - fat and chomped on chewing tobacco like it was candy. Mamma said he stunk like a something between a smoke stack and a chicken and he looked like an engorged tick.

After he put our groceries in the car, he asked Mamma who was a widow by then, if he could come by and see her sometime. She smiled at him saying, “Don’t know when on earth I would ever be quite ready to sit in a closed room with a man such as yourself.” Archibald, who had no idea he’d been insulted, chuckled and closed the trunk. “Maybe another time then Mrs. Jones-another time.” See what I mean?

I married Roscoe Lee Taylor. He wasn’t rich. He certainly wasn’t handsome. But he was good to me, went to church, had a full time job and worked almost every day on seeding the earth. And I must say he wielded a mighty shovel. Of him Mamma said, well never mind what she said.

After a while Roscoe Jr. was born. He was a good baby and in typical baby style, he knew no strangers. He looked just like his daddy. And when his grandmother beheld him for the first time she said to me, “Myra sweetheart - now that’s a baby!”

See what I mean?