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Hawaiian Islands To Be Renamed "Bob Islands" In Keeping With White Man's Tradition
by Roger Freed

In a tradition that dates back to the time of the first white European navigators, the federal government, composed mostly of old white men, will change the name of the Hawaiian islands to something more Aryan- they will be renamed the 'Bob Islands'. With the dumbing down of Americans in the latest generations (think George Bush) educators are finding that students have trouble pronouncing and spelling even such common, but foreign names as Hawaii, Honolulu, Waikiki and karaoke. The changing of the famous islands to 'Bob' will simplify things for English speakers and avoid the embarrassment that comes with trying to pronounce alien, non-American names such as 'chow mien'. The British tried this already with the somewhat more sophisticated sounding 'Sandwich Islands' in the 1700's, but it didn't stick.

It is this great European tradition of renaming places from their original, cool sounding native names to something more boring that lead to the monumental naming of 'the West Indies' although they are nowhere near India (and naming Native Americans 'Indians' although they are not), New York after an impoverished North English city, Mount McKinley after a President who never even visited Alaska, and New Jersey after a type of cow.

Other changes will also be instated:

Honolulu will be renamed 'Bill'.
The big island of Hawaii will be known as 'Joe' (because they raise Kona coffee there. Get it? A cuppa 'Joe'?... Never mind.)
Oahu will now be known as 'Percival'.
Maui will be called 'Peter'.
Molokai will be known as 'Mortimer'.
Waikiki Beach will be known as 'Sally'.
Pearl Harbor will be known as 'Pearl Harbor'.

The Hawaiian Tourist Board, oops..., rather the 'Bob' Tourism Board, expects visitations to drop by 70% as a result of the loss of romantic appeal from taking a vacation in a place called 'Bob'.

As a matter of interest, the real. non-white spelling of Hawaii is “Hawai'i', but that doesn't matter any more.