To Be Renamed "Bob Islands" In Keeping
With White Man's Tradition
by Roger Freed
In a tradition
that dates back to the time of the first white
European navigators, the federal government,
composed mostly of old white men, will change the
name of the Hawaiian islands to something more
Aryan- they will be renamed the 'Bob Islands'.
With the dumbing down of Americans in the latest
generations (think George Bush) educators are
finding that students have trouble pronouncing
and spelling even such common, but foreign names
as Hawaii, Honolulu, Waikiki and karaoke. The
changing of the famous islands to 'Bob' will
simplify things for English speakers and avoid
the embarrassment that comes with trying to
pronounce alien, non-American names such as 'chow
mien'. The British tried this already with the
somewhat more sophisticated sounding 'Sandwich
Islands' in the 1700's, but it didn't stick.
It is this
great European tradition of renaming places from
their original, cool sounding native names to
something more boring that lead to the monumental
naming of 'the West Indies' although they are
nowhere near India (and naming Native Americans 'Indians'
although they are not), New York after an
impoverished North English city, Mount McKinley
after a President who never even visited Alaska,
and New Jersey after a type of cow.
will also be instated:
be renamed 'Bill'.
The big island of Hawaii will be known as 'Joe' (because
they raise Kona coffee there. Get it? A cuppa 'Joe'?...
Oahu will now be known as 'Percival'.
Maui will be called 'Peter'.
Molokai will be known as 'Mortimer'.
Waikiki Beach will be known as 'Sally'.
Pearl Harbor will be known as 'Pearl Harbor'.
Tourist Board, oops..., rather the 'Bob' Tourism
Board, expects visitations to drop by 70% as a
result of the loss of romantic appeal from taking
a vacation in a place called 'Bob'.
As a matter of
interest, the real. non-white spelling of Hawaii
is Hawai'i', but that doesn't matter any