Five Short Humor
by Stephen J.
boyfriend was a Scorpio. But he was too devious.
I had to dump him. James, the Taurus, was so
stubborn he lasted only two weeks. The cute guy
at work was a Pisces. It was purely sexual,
though, he couldnt offer me an astrological
boyfriend is absolutely perfect. Our signs are
aligned with the heavens. He wants to have a
picnic today, says theres something
important to tell me. I think hell propose.
going to tell me something?
well, um . . . I want to break up. My astrologer
says I shouldnt date Capricorns.
guess what? asks Kirk over the phone.
found out the sex of our baby.
What are you gonna have?
what do you want us to have?
doesnt matter, dear. Im not favoring
one or the other. A girl or a boy. It doesnt
otherwise. His Mom had single handedly raised
three rambunctious boys. She certainly seemed to
be leaning towards a little girl.
me, please, tell me.
were gonna have a girl.
A baby girl? Thats great! Ive already
bought her three dresses.
A husband of
polished looks returns to his wife after work.
Following their kiss hello, a Freudian slip,
Did you mail the mortgage, Betsy?
Who the hell is Betsy?
sorry, honey. Betsys this girl at work that
got caught laundering money. My mind mustve
been thinking about her arrest.
real namebelieved his lie and so discussed
the mortgage. Shed continue to hear
erroneous namesKatie, Jessica, Sandyall
with less believable excuses. The truth became
to tell you something, Tom.
the hell is Tom?
Hes my divorce lawyer.
youd call a moral thief. Instead of
stealing thousands from one person, I steal a
penny each from thousands of different people.
Thats fair, dont you think? Its
no worse than taking pennies off the sidewalk.
Kant and Millyou moralists would be so
proud of me.
I simply hack
into someones account and transfer an
insignificant cent into my checking. The amount
is so miniscule, who would possibly notice or
care? Its taken me a year to steal 10,000
cents, which puts me in at 100 bucks.
Hey, no one
ever said morality was a lucrative business.
several ways to pass ones time on a
toiletnewspaper and magazine reading are
popular options. But our protagonist, Ted, has
made an unwise decision in this matter: He chose
to call his new girlfriend.
conversation lasts ten happy minutes before
Sherry hears flushing.
just flush the toilet? she asks, outraged
at the thought.
why? replies an oblivious Ted.
or number 2? she clarifies. Perhaps she
could forgive the former, but the latter?
And with that
answer Ill spare you the plumbing
metaphoryou know where this relationship is