Make Their Presendential Endorsements
by Roger Freed
Jerry Garcia Man! Hed make the
bitchiness President ever! Wait, what do you mean
Bill Clinton! Wed be able to make a
lot of copy if he were back in the saddle!
Sarah Palin! What a hot cover wed
have if she were elected! And the sexy articles
we could write.
Illustrated- Bring Teddy Roosevelt back
from the dead. Hes the only real man in the
Presidents seat since Andrew Jackson!
Reports- Weve said Ralph Nader the
last two elections and well say it again
this one even though he isnt running!
Conservative- We still want Gingrich!
Were just stuck with the Mormon guy. Of
course, he is better any day than the black guy.
Were in for Romney. Obama is too
difficult to make fun of. Romney is a walking
and Gardens- Obama! Not that we want him,
but his wife has just the touch that our readers
like. No Negroes normally live in the
neighborhoods we write about.
Definitely, unquestionably, firmly Romney.
Hes owned by FOX News and they are our
Stream- We sell hunting which means selling
guns which means the NRA which means the
Republicans which means Romney whether we like
him or not.
Today- In the ultimate realm of things and
in the true height and breadth of the mammoth
universe in which we live does it matter who we
Jessica Alba! Who cares if she knows
nothing about politics? She's hot!
Geographic- Since the only ethnic about
Romney is his Mormonism we feel obliged to back
Obama. In our history if we had only ever done
articles on boring Anglo-Saxon businessmen we
would have gone out of print long ago.
We don't care who wins. We'll be able to
come up with crap about either one of them.
Oh, PLEASE!! Must you ask? We only write
about cool people. Do you think Romney would fit
Digest- Romney. It would be a lot less work
condensing what he has to say.
The New Yorker-
Only the urbane, the sophisticated and the
intellectual for us. Obama is our man.
Now just who do you think? Romney is so
white bread and slick he would just slide right
off the page if we wrote about him.
Since our magazine is entirely based on
looks it is a difficult decision. Both men are
good looking and good dressers. Obama would be
favored on being a cooler dresser, but would lose
points because his ears stick out.
Can we get George W. back? We always had an
endless source of material with him around!