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Don't Try Unless You Want To Die
by Maranda Russell

Here is a list of things I would really suggest you not try at home (or anywhere else for that matter!):

1.  Don't screw a porcupine.  (Just trust me)

2.  Don't plunge an ice pick into your ear to shut up the voices in your head. (Yes, someone actually did this.)

3.  Don't use Saran Wrap as a condom. (This one is for Rory, an old co-worker of mine)

4.  Don't get caught trying to stick a cigar up your intern.

5.  When you are flying commercial, please don't shoot tranquilizer darts at the pilot. (However, the flight attendents are fair game)

6.  Don't buy underwear at a secondhand store unless you are absolutely sure they are brand spanking new, and have no weird stains.

7.  Don't give your children butane lighters for Christmas. (Also, please sober up before going Christmas shopping next year)

8.  Don't lick a light pole in the middle of winter. (Have we learned nothing from "A Christmas Story?!")

9.  Don't run for Vice President if you are from Alaska and your IQ is lower than Gumby's.

10.  Please don't run a country if your last name is Bush. Seriously. Go wrestle a cow or something instead.