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Cremation Diet
by Glenn Parkhurst

There are more diets plans than left turns in London, one is longer and more difficult. The Cremation Diet is not only easy, it will actually increase your wealth and help save the environment. Environmentally, it lowers carbon emissions by providing the undertaker with a bio-fuel instead of the natural gas or propane more commonly employed. Financially, you will get a discount from your mortician for saving him valuable fuel. One percent off the price of cremation for every one percent of excess weight you bring to the table, er…slab. With the right diet, you should have enough fat to become a self-sustaining flame with just a blue tip match and a jogging suit. Ideally, you should burn for no less than forty hours and provide enough heat to warm fifty homes in Braemer in January, fat you can sell to OPEC – Organization of Phat Extracting Conglomerates.

How can I get in on this money maker you ask? Well, to get the highest value, you need to eat those items which provide the cleanest burning, highest quality fat; high test in OPEC language.

We know our forefathers used whale oil for fuel but the flame burned dull and smoky and in no way helped the global warming. Even worse, some fish fat is actually good for you. Avoid fish and whale. We want to look like one, not be one.

Krispy Kremes are prime generators of high quality fat. When Krispy Kreme fat burns, it is a long lasting, sunglass wearing, blaze. One glazed doughnut can add dollars to your fat reserves. Should you chase that doughnut with a 99Cadbury Flake you may just self ignite in strong sunlight. A bad thing as you may burn up all your precious fuel before you can sign your contract with OPEC.

We know why we want it and how to get it, but how do we increase its value once we have reached our maximum body proportions? Exercise! That’s right. A regimen of exercise will turn your normal everyday fat into high test. Scientist have proven that for every hour on the tread mill, the octane level of fat increases by 0.1%. How is this possible? Like the fable of the sun and wind betting on who can remove the old man’s coat, the harder you try to rid yourself of fat, the harder it clings and in doing so, it purifies itself. Consider this. Some of my fat has been so refined, that it may continue to burn well into the next century. The other effect of intense exercise is that it may hasten your demise thus allowing OPEC to harvest while your fat is fresh.

Why not liposuction you ask? The cost of the process exceeds the worth of your reserves. The best value per pound comes when your cremation is free and your fat can be filleted off in easy to stack slabs.

Next week: How to leverage your fat ass into retirement.