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Bountiful Barbie's Big Birthday Blowout!
by Roger Freed

Barbie doll turns 50 this year. She sure doesn't look it. She looks like she's either discovered the Fountain of Youth or had her whole body Botoxed. Of course it helps when you get all your plastic surgery the day you are made. It is also fortunate when all your exquisite feminine contours are molded into their enticing proportions. It must be a bit rough, though, when you are only one year old and already have an hourglass figure. All the other one year olds must crowd around you for breast feeding.

Barbie was originally a German invention (only the German's could come up with that sort of aerodynamic styling). Her looks then were considerably different than the open-faced Barbie of today. Deutchlands Barbie was a slit eyed, high maintenance man-eater. She sported the curved ponytail and bangs popular at the time (late 1950's) and had, of course, an uberfraulein figure with majestic, pointy mammary glands. Her face had the veiled look of a predatory gold digger. Her narrowed, mascaraed eyes looked like they were refined in the art of gauging a man's financial and social status and at judging how lucrative a profession he was likely to get (forget Barbie herself having a profession- this was the 1950's. She'd have to get by on her looks and acting ability alone at this time in history unless there was such a thing as 'Secretary Barbie'.)

When her sleek image and body was introduced to our shores, she Americanized fast. She became more outgoing, smiled more and was friendlier. Her body lost some of its Teutonically strict dimensions and became softer and rounder, although that might be because of improvements in plastics; it's hard to tell. Barbie was now in the land of conspicuous consumption and learned to revel in it. Nothing was too good or too expensive for our blondie girl. She became the Material Girl long before Madonna was ever on the scene. Please take note that she'd left Germany a brunette and became a blond here- does that say anything about our culture? We'd succeeded where Hitler had not in making the perfect Aryan female.

When she got here she traded her BMW for a Chevy and her boyfriend named Wolfgang for one called Ken. The world was her oyster and she had the stiletto to open it with. In America she could change her image at a whim and not be locked into old Europe visions of what a woman should be. She could be Hippie Barbie, Surfer Barbie, Corporate Barbie, Pro Wrestler Barbie, Cro-magnum Barbie all with the change of a few high priced accessories.

Now, at age 50, still having her looks and her wonderful figure, Barbie can begin a new identity that will fit her well. Look out world, here comes Cougar Barbie! Watch out Jonas Brothers, she's on the prowl for you!