I tore into
the driveway and rushed to unload supplies as the
radio screamed about the Martian invasion. But
soon I was faced with a worse crisis. My dog,
Bluto, stole a family pack of corndogs while I
unloaded the SUV and was munching them. I
them to me, Bluto! I had to get them away
before we headed for our bomb shelter. It would
be impossible to be in close quarters with him
after hed eaten those things.
My wife rushed
into the garage, and caught us wrestling.
What are you doing? she screamed.
Were under attack!
Mikey and head for the shelter, I said.
Ill be right down. Bluto, you stupid
mutt, give me those corndogs! Bluto growled
and held fast.
outside of the garage door glowed bright orange.
Then it disintegrated.
When the dust
cleared, there they were. The ugliest bastards
Id ever seen. Green, ten feet tall and
pointing ray guns right at us. It was too late.
fainted. I screamed. Fortified by corndogs, Bluto
Bluto! My eyes watered. I figured his
atomic-powered discharge was the last thing
Id ever smell.
screeched, staggered, and dropped dead.
his tail and spewed a second wave of poison gas.
The rest of the bastards fell.
Guardsmen wearing hazmat suits arrived. They
checked the bodies. Dead as doornails,
one of them said. Yeesh! Whats that
ate corndogs. Hes the one who killed the
doggie. The soldier grabbed a phone and
said, General, we found a way to stop the
Not since the
development of the atomic bomb or the first Moon
mission was there such an emergency effort. The
country mobilized in three days. Corn was
diverted from ethanol to corndog production. The
worlds meat packers worked overtime to
produce as many corndogs as possible.
aside differences, and gathered their dogs for
battle. A chain of dogs spanned the continents.
When the next wave of Martians attacked, we
donned gasmasks and fed our canines corndogs. On
command, every dog let loose. Gigantic clouds of
sulfur and methane covered the globe for seventy-two
hours. The invaders never had a chance.
millions, the Martians surrendered. Bluto and I
got the Congressional Medal of Freedom, the Croix
du Guerre, and a huge tickertape parade. Earth
and Mars signed a peace treaty.
Bluto was unfazed by the book signings, TV
appearances and movies made about his life. These
days he snacks on corn chips. Ill give him
a couple if the winds are right. But no more
petitioned the Galactic Assembly to outlaw
corndog production throughout the universe. In
the spirit of peace, Earth and all the other
I keep a secret stash of contraband corndogs in
my underground shelter.
Just in case.