Why Can't Arnie
Get a Date?
by William P
Adams
Arnie isn’t
receiving many responses to his online dating
site profile. Let’s peek at some of his
answers to Match-A-Mation’s prompts and see
if there is room for improvement…
What I do not like: I hate
it when I sleep on someone's couch and their kid
hits me on my head with their toy. Also, I don’t
like getting kicked in the nuts.
If I had one wish, I would wish for: Shoes
that don’t pinch my ingrown toenails and don’t
make a squeak sound. Oh, one wish? Then I would
choose shoes that don’t squeak.
I would never part with: My
original collectible Mr. Potato Head set that my
dad gave me. It’s in the original box with a
real potato from 1952. It only smells when I open
the box.
This makes me laugh: When
guys (except me) get kicked in the nuts. It can
be a cartoon or a real guy.
How I describe myself: I’m
a DIY person – I cut my own hair and shape
it, so it looks like I have full coverage, and I
make my own TV dinners and Eggos. I’m a
laddies’ man. The laddies love me and can’t
get enough of my smooth moves and tasty grooves.
Three things that are important to me: Not
getting kicked in the nuts. The Cartoon Network.
My SpongeBob figurines.
In a relationship, I am looking for: A
laddie with a comfortable couch and no kids with
heavy, sharp toys, and a laddie who likes to wear
matching neon tracksuits – I have several
pairs.
What my partner should know about me: I’m
on court-ordered probation, but that was a huge
misunderstanding. I take Mall Security seriously
and hope to land a job there soon so I can take a
nice laddie out for an all-you-can-eat night at
Waffles R Us.
Please describe one of your favorite
pastime activities: When there’s
a SpongeBob marathon on TV, I whip up my famous
frozen French-fried taters, settle back in the
recliner, pour ketchup into my navel (it’s
an innie) and eat em up like there’s no
tomorrow.
There’s more, but we’ll stop here and
take some time to analyze and attempt to
determine why Arnie is having trouble finding
true love. Indeed, there must be a match for him
somewhere… anywhere?
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