The Essence of
Hollywood and Show Business
by J.D. Jerome
Things
about Hollywood that generally disturb me:
#1 Jeff Garlin's
smile
#2 Jaden Smith
#3 The mere notion of having to endure the comedy
of Nikki Glaser and/or Whitney Cummings without a
carefully mapped out exit strategy
#4 Jaden Smith
#5 The instantaneous and rather unpleasant
repercussions of making it known (as a flaming
heterosexual male) that you find the likes of
Karoline Leavitt and Dana Perino physically
attractive.
#6 Star Jones
#7 Olivia Wilde's dating history
#8 Lisa Lampanelli's hairdo
#9 Having to endure more than ten consecutive
seconds of the dramatic acting reel belonging to
Ron Jeremy
#10 The recently proposed California state Senate
bill SB 2811 titled: "Angelenos For Limited
Education".
#11 The "We Are Opposed to Dentistry"
movement of Greater Los Angeles
#12 The Downtown Pasadena Men's Club of
Occasionally Clothed Acrobatic Performers
#13 "Hasidic Square Dancers": The
Musical
#14 Using the steam room and/or the sauna at any
gym located on Santa Monica Blvd.
#15 Star Tours of the homes belonging to the
remote relatives of the Rich and Famous
#16 The "We Are Wholesome" Foundation
of Los Angeles Attorneys and Talent
Representatives.
#17 The Not-For-Profit Organization of
Celebrities for Vasectomies
#18 The Los Angeles Speech Institute of the
Involuntarily Loud and Obnoxious
#19 The Stuntmen's Association of Motion Pictures
for the Visually Impaired
#20 The WeHo Rehabilitation Institute of the Next-Door
to Insane and Largely Recovered Nymphomaniacs
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
People
mistakenly mentioned during the 'In Memoriam'
segment at the The 97th Academy Awards, held on
March 2, 2025, at the Dolby Theatre in Los
Angeles:
-Shannon Elizabeth
-Michael Lohan
-Melissa Rivers
-Joan Collins
-Judi Dench
-Sharon Gless
-Shannon Tweed
-Connie Chung
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Celebrities
Who Undeservedly Were Passed Over for
Consideration to be Featured on the 33-Cent
Stamp:
-Mama Cass
-Redd Foxx
-Shari Lewis.
-Mamie Van Doren
-Ed Begley, Sr.
-Jackie Stallone
-Al Martino
-Burt Ward
-Lainie Kazan
-Rip Torn
-Linda Hunt
-Roslyn Kind
-Ted Lange
-Rip Taylor
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Celebrity
Autobiographies I'd like to see published:
-"The Wonders of Modern-Day Psychiatry"
by Randy Quaid
-"How to Consistently Lower Your IQ" by
Kim Kardashian
-"Spanx and How to Wear to Them" by
Geraldo Rivera
-"My Life and Times as an HBO Bad Boy and
Sometimes Sexual Deviant" by Bill Maher
-"Do I At All Seem Creepy?" by James
Randi
-"How to Authentically Portray Staten Island
Housewives" by Susie Essman
- "Winging it with Woody" by Soon-Yi
Previn
-"Wooden But Not Forgotten: The Life and
Times of Jackie Collins
-"I'll Give you Batshit Crazy: The Somewhat
Turbulent and Multidimensional Life of Joey
Heatherton
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here's
a list of celebrities I'd like to see brought
back to life:
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
-Perry Como
-Richard Chamberlain
-George Maharis
-Bobby Vinton
-Liberace
-Ruth Buzzi
-Billy Barty
-Scotty Bowers
-Mike Douglas
-Fred Travalena
-Siegfried & Roy
-Michu Meszaros
-Skip E. Lowe
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Movies
I'd Like to See Made in the Not-Too-Distant
Future:
-The Terminator 2025
In this modern-day version, the Terminator is
programmed to hunt down and assassinate every
last human being on the face of the planet whose
profession is that of "an influencer".
-Jaws: The Second Revenge
A group of internet life coaches congregate at a
South Florida convention to exchange ideas and
"foster new partnerships". One glorious
evening, however, while skin-diving, they are,
each and every one of them viscously attacked and
slaughtered in the water by the infamous tiger
shark. It's a blood bath.
-So You Think You Can Dance: The Movie
In this film, the well-known reality TV series
has developed into the following plot: The
participants compete in a highly usual and never-seen-before
dancing contest. In this particular scenario, the
judges have the prerogative, if they so choose,
not only to eliminate a contestant, but also, are
given the option of pressing a red button
conveniently placed under the desk, which when
pressed ignites the on-stage blowing up of a
participant.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
My
Letter Correspondences with Kate Bolduan
My Dearest Kate
2/5/2024
I tried the headquarters in Atlanta again
yesterday and left you another message in case
you had had a change of heart. Just to clarify,
my offer to escort you to the opera still stands.
Please be advised that my attire will consist of
the following: a white tuxedo, a white bowtie,
white leather long cuff bearers, and rainbow
pride combat boots. Please RSVP by 2/15/2024.
Yours Faithfully
J.D.
My Dearest Kate
3/2/2024
Just a quick note to let you know that I've been
very busy these past couple of weeks. Hence, my
lack of consistent communication, as of late. I've
been training myself to predict every other line
spoken on current on-air Chuck Lorre-produced
sitcoms. As you can imagine, this has been both
mentally and physically exhausting and has taken
up a good chunk of my day. Therefore, I hope, you're
not too upset or feeling left out or ignored.
Yesterday, I was able to guess three Charlie
Sheen quips in a row. That's a record for me.
Also, boy, is that hefty-set woman on the show
funny. As far as Charlie Sheen goes, sure, he may
have sociopathic tendencies in real life, but
gosh, darn it, can he sell a joke. Don't you
agree? Also, did you receive my candygram???? And
are you still at Party Legs Productions, LLC.,
361 17th St NW, Atlanta, GA 30363???? Please let
me know ASAP.
Yours Always
J.D.
Shalom Kate
3/12/2024
Some sobering news this morning. My macaw of
fourteen-and-a-half years, Abe has departed this
earth and begun his inevitable final journey,
flapping his wings one last time toward the light,
and toward the kingdom of parrot heaven. I’m
having a memorial service on Wednesday at the
commissary. Please RSVP me if you can make it.
Would love to see you there. Rabbi Appelbaum will
speak and they’ll be serving gefilte fish,
latkes, and tongue in Abe’s honor. Also,
musical performances by ”The Flammable
Yarmulkes” and poetry readings by Miriam
Guggenheim of the Cincinnati Poetry Association
for the Hard of Hearing. Hope you can make it.
Love
J.D.
My loving Kate
3/19/2024
I was extremely disappointed and hurt that you
didn't notify me of your absence at Abe’s
memorial. That was uncalled for. Was there any
particular reason for this? I was fully expecting
your participation and had your place card next
to Rabbi Applebaum and Mrs. Rabinovitch of the
One-Legged Pole Vaulters Fellowship. Next time,
simply beep me and I'll phone you back at my
earliest convenience. Further, by chance, do
you have an update on the correspondents' dinner
at the end of April? I need at least a two-week
heads-up, as I am absolutely swamped. Also, light-up
overalls or luminescent roller skate shoes? You
decide. Does Wolf do photo ops?
Yours always
J.D.
My Darling Kate
3/23/2024
So great speaking to you on the phone yesterday.
I can’t tell you how much that meant to me.
Gosh, what a mellifluous-sounding voice you have.
Afterward, however, I was left a bit perplexed
and discombobulated. A few questions about that.
What did you mean, exactly when you angrily said
the following?: “I haven't an effing clue as
to who you are!!!!". We got disconnected
after that. I’m not sure what happened. I
phoned headquarters a few more times and asked
for you, but was told that you were “in a
deposition meeting“. Again, I’m not
sure what happened. As an aside, I received a
subpoena yesterday to appear before the Fulton
County Superior Court. Something to do with
“talking charges”? Do you, perchance
know what this pertains to? The ink in the letter
had been terribly smeared as a result of my
German Sheppard’s non-stop slobbering all
over the envelope for half-an-hour, so I’m
uncertain as to what exactly was written.
Speaking of which, have I upset you in any way?
If so, what can I do to rectify the situation?
Whatever it is that needs to be done, I'm
completely on board. Just say the word, snap your
fingers, or make that high-pitched squeak that
I find so irresistibly adorable. (Albeit deemed
“intolerable” by the masses) I’m
emotionally distraught and beside myself over
this. What can I possibly do to make this right?
As an aside, and for your listening pleasure, I've
included with this letter an audio cassette
mixtape of my favorite tunes, including a cover
version of "Dancing on the Ceiling"
recorded and performed by Fran Drescher.
Much Love
J.D.
PS: Are we still going to the correspondents'
dinner?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here's
an incomplete list of people who ought to be
immediately apprehended, incarcerated, and
sentenced to spend an eternity, well into the
afterlife, and forever thereafter in solitary
confinement while being forced-fed on an infinite
loop the back catalogues of Yanni, Kenny G, and
Enya. Further, they should spend the remainder of
their living days strapped to an uncomfortable
chair whilst having to repeatedly endure the
works of Pia Zadora, Frank Stallone, and Tori
Spelling.
#1 Any individual who professes to be "a
storyteller". Such verbiage should be met
with unadulterated suspicion and piercingly
awkward stonewalled silence coupled with abject
disgust, revulsion, and a slack-jaw mouth agape.
#2 People who incessantly photograph and post
footage of their yet-to-be consumed food and
beverages on Instagram. I'm nearly as
interested in that as I am the following:
-What song you lost your virginity to
-Looking at private photos displaying images in
which the fridge door is left widely ajar while
you're drinking directly from a carton of milk
wearing only flip flops, high-waisted compression
shorts, and a Mariner's cap.
-The results of your most recent rectal
examination
-That time you had a photograph placed in an
upholstered picture frame of your great-grandmother
skydiving in the nude
-Your dissertation on the implications of penile
discomfort
-The last time you pleasured yourself to a stroke
book written in braille. (As a sighted person)
-The last time you observed the surprise
occurrence of an undescended testicle.
-The last time you dyed your down-there hair dark
orange and shaved your pubes in the figure of an
emoji face holding back tears.
-The fact that you shared on social media your
high school yearbook, in which you were deemed
”fiercely dimwitted and demented”, and
”most likely to pose a future menace to
society”.
-The fact that your uncle Bob is transitioning
and blossoming into a beautiful middle-aged woman
named Beatrice.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Here's
another group of humans that need to carefully
reexamine their lives and also promptly undergo
psychiatric evaluation:
-Those who find it imperative to use gender-identifying
pronouns at the end of an email.
-Grown men whose lifelong dream is to become a
"mouseketeer".
-People who make use of the phrase "circle
back".
-Anyone who suggests that "the universe is
listening and responding to you, accordingly".
-Anyone who tries to conclude their salient point
by making use of the phrase "at the end of
the day".
-Those who claim to have a "side hustle".
-Uttering the phrase "let that idea marinate".
-Using "my truth" in a sentence, which,
indisputably should result in immediate
ostracization from the human race.
-Those who decide to dress up like Taylor Swift
for Halloween. Especially, if you're a man.
-Publicly identifying as a "foodie".
-People who are "horror movie fans".
-Anyone who refers to their in-laws as "mom
and dad".
-Using the word "ick" in a sentence
should raise serious concerns about the mental
health state of whomever decided to utter
that expression.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Other
Books I'd like to see published:
-"An Indescribably Moronic Enterprise"
by The NutraSweet Company
-"How to Properly Stuff a Beaver" by
the Canadian Lumberman of Manitoba
-"Important Show Business Figures: Louis B.
Mayer, Jack Warner, and The Pope" (Unknown Author)
-"A Dummies Guide to Turtle Juggling"
by Pets, Inc.
-"How to Place Untraceable Obscene Collect
Phone Calls" (Unknown Author)
-"Why You Should Always Have a Taser on You"
by Dr. Walter J. Kook
-"How to Squint Your Eyes to Fain Confusion"
by Dr. Rick Titball
-"How to Behave Casually Amongst Large
Groups of Unruly Gentiles" by the North
American Guild of Non-Gentiles
-"What to do When Experiencing Testicular
Discomfort" by Dr. Sandy Satanee
-"How to React After Being Told That You
Weren’t Adopted" by Youth Counselor Eve
Sanchez
-"How to be Loving and Caring Even if you
are a Morally Bereft, Satan-Worshipping Pig"
by Dr. Arnold Lou Cypher
-"My Kittycat Needs Cuddling" by Dr.
Miriam Sackrider
-"Overlooked 20th-Century German Comedians"
(Unknown Author)
-"My Poor Old Wrinkly Scrotum" by Dr.
Dick A. Little
-"You Too Can Overcome Body Odor" by
Psychologist Nanette Smellman
-"Ex-Finances and Restraining Orders"
by Steven Elliot Slimovitch, Esq
-"What About My One Phone Call?" (Same
Author)
-"Anyone Can Make Moonshine" by Red
McMillan
-"How to Win Her Back: Men's Secrets to
Crying on Cue" by Julliard School Alumni Rob
Moore Cash
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Music
Playlists Chosen by your favorite Hollywood A-listers:
This Week's Special Celebrity Guest: Armie
Hammer
#1 Cuts like a Knife by Bryan Adams
#2 Flesh for Fantasy by Billy Idol
#3 Tell me if This Hurts (By Unknown)
#4 Blink Your Left Eye if You Feel a Graze (Also
by Unknown)
#5 Hurts So Good by John Mellencamp
#6 Hurt So Bad by Linda Ronstadt
#7 Dull Knives by Imagine Dragons
#8 Hot Knife by Fiona Apple
#9 Cut! by Maren Morris
#10 Sharpen the Knives (By Unknown)
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