Dealbreakers
by William P
Adams
Dash and
Daphne are busy filling out their online
matchmaker questionnaires in the hopes of finding
that one elusive true love. Each has arrived at
the section titled 'Dealbreakers.' Let’s
peek at what they’ve written so far.
Daphne
1. Sleeping drunk with his clothes on… shoes
too.
2. Wearing the same clothes and shoes the next
day (or days) after sleeping drunk.
3. Calling from the bar at midnight and telling
me an old friend just popped in for a pint.
4. Calling from the bar at 1 am and telling me
the friend needs help changing her tire.
5. Calling from the bar at 2 am and telling me
not to wait up.
6. Not wiping up the toast crumbs after breakfast
– I hate that!
Dash
1. Eating the last Twinkie, then trying to
convince me that I ate the last Twinkie.
2. Cutting a Twinkie in half, scooping out the
crème filling, and replacing it with Dijon
mustard and a Vienna sausage.
3. Refusing to be seen with me when I wear my
Twinkie the Kid pajama pants in public.
4. Arguing over who is the better mascot, Captain
Cupcake or Fruit Pie the Magician. Everyone knows
it’s Fruit Pie.
5. Espousing the likes of Cloud Cakes, Gold
‘n Cremes, Dreamies, and Bingles. It’s
Twinkies or die!
6. Neglecting the gritty, sand-papery English
muffin dust on the countertop next to the toaster.
Unforgivable!
Is there hope for Dash and Daphne? Will toasted
bread prove to be the impetus that steers her
away from a dire situation of drunkenness and
cruelty? Will a common bond of kitchen
cleanliness temper his odd obsession with store-bought
snack cakes? Only time will tell. Perhaps the two
will match, meet, and mingle (sans Bingles) with
a clear path to crème-filled happiness and bliss.
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