King Xerxes
by Albert Russo
Dozens and even hundreds of
lassies appeared before king Xerxes - he must be
the king who invented physical and mathematical
exercises -, all of them doused with the most
exotic perfumes and made up like young babushkas,
with doe eyes, some of them looking more like
crows, so dark was the kohl they wore around
their eyes.
The concentration of heady
smells was so powerful that they gave the king
terrible headaches, like he was inhaling poison
fumes. Then, having retired to his garden, full
of scented fruit trees and the most beautiful
flowers, he began to breathe again pure air.
He had enough of that
female mob pressing against each other to attract
his attention and asked that no more than ten
girls be brought to him at one time. He was going
to fall back into dizziness when, all of a sudden,
he saw the most gorgeous lassie he had ever set
eyes on. And he soon felt as if all the strength
and the anger he had melted down, leaving him bambiboozled,
like a little boy who just was visited by a fairy.
I must interrupt this
account with another ass-side, and tough luck if
you lose the thread of the story, you will have
to download it from your hazy memory. Even though
I looove what happened thereafter, I cannot
refrain from being mad at the fact that, king or
not king, Xerxes treated women like cattle that
could be chosen from a livestock auction. Later
on, if you behave, I will tell you all about the
Amazons - not the online store, ignoramuses - who
were a valiant tribe of warrior women in Ancient
Greece who defeated entire armies of men, showing
them who were the Mistresses of their time. They
were daring and aggressive, as women oughta be.
I’ll start from the
beginning, coz lovely Esther - she was also very
bright - just didn’t appear before the king
in a snap of a finger. It was her older cousin
Mordecai who was like an uncle to her, since her
parents had died when she was a lil girl, who
prepared her for the day she would visit the king.
Like all her candidate peerettes
she lived in one of the dormitories in the
basement of the palace for months in order to
learn how to be more attractive. She had to
follow a very strict diet, eating little more
than a chicken, be massaged from morning to night
by a triple-chinned bullying masseuse who treated
her like she was kneading dough for a hundred
pancakes. She also had to bathe alternately in
olive oil, in the stickiest quality of honey
there was, and sit in a tub filled with rose-scented
water, mixed with herbs so strong they would get
her drunk. But that wasn’t all, a madam who
managed a harem, tried all kinds of make-ups on
her to see which one suited her complexion, while
playing with her beautiful silky hair for hours.
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