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William Shakespeare’s 5th Grade Progress Report
by Bob Iozzia

Progress Report for:
Student: William Shakespeare         
School:  Stratford Elementary       
Grade:   5th
Teacher:  K. Lear
Teacher’s Comments
Marking Period 1: Bill’s final year in elementary school has gotten off to a rocky start, especially when compared to elder cousin Juliet’s standing at the same point in her school career. He displays little interest in his studies, except for Ribald Tales, in which he excels—he appears to take unusual delight in regaling his classmates with bawdy stories, where his potty-mouth is best suited. Regarding Vocabulary (and related subjects Penmanship and Spelling), half the time, I have no idea what he is saying; I think he has made up his own language as a larkish prank. In Driver’s Education, my continued attempts to have him drive on the right side of the road have fallen upon stubborn ears. In fact, the cheeky lad had the audacity to boast, “Someday, my good fellow, all of England will follow my lead and drive on the left side of the road. I will be famous for this. Mark my words." When I rebuked him for being insolent, this human tempest snarled, “Who died and made you King?” 
Marking Period 2: Not much change from the previous marking period, except that the second term seems to have unfolded as an even greater comedy of errors. He continues to employ a made-up language, which negatively impacts his writing. At this rate, his assured place in society will be as an employee of a fast-food mutton shoppe, except that the kitchen serfs will not understand his orders. Of course, he may not live long enough to suffer this fate if he continues to drive on the wrong (left) side of the road. He does seem to have some sway with his classmates, however, as several of them are now also driving on the wrong side. I hope these violent delights will not have violent ends. 
Marking Period 3: BILL IS A VERY EXASPERATING YOUNG LAD!!! I still don’t know what the devil he’s talking about in both his written and oral work. I’m afraid he has no aptitude for drama, his poetry is confusingly disjointed from measure to measure, and his comedies fall as short of their mark as a dwarf, married to a giant woman, on his wedding night. I also have caught him copying from one of his neighbors, a foreign exchange student from Canterbury named Marlowe. Please impress upon him that, as of last year, plagiarism is no longer acceptable in polite literary circles. He has one remaining marking period in elementary school. With God’s grace and my patience, he will see the error of his ways and reform. If not, I fear that life in middle school and beyond will either be much ado about nothing or he will come to open the purple testament of bleeding war. One bright note: all of his classmates and I are driving on the left side of the road now … and it is liberating!! I’ve never felt more alive. I just pray I don’t die a muddy death in the process.