The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Tofers, Goofers
by Albert Russo

Gloria and Carlotta would go and tell their mother on my uncle, like the fact that he didn’t drink his three daily glasses of milk or that he took only one shower in the evening and not also in the morning, like they were used to.

On another photograph, he stands between the two of them like a pressed herring, coz they weren’t exactly pinups. They would devour incredible amounts of food; their favorites were sausage, pepperoni and bologna pizzas, meatballs on hero or ... spaghetti sandwiches with French fries and tons of ketchup. They were so proud of their Eyetalian heritage, they deemed hamburgers too vulgar! Can you believe that?

They acted like they were Unky Berky’s bodyguards, with the difference that he had to obey them on almost everything, so that his uncle Luke and his wife shouldn’t worry about his education at home.

What my uncle doesn’t tell me is whether they tried to play doctor with him - they were the type -, traumatizing him setchually for life. That’s probably when he started to doubt about his gender, going from arrow (‘hetero’, ninny) to bike, without even realizing what was happening to him, then becoming fully homey - a prettier word than ‘gay’, and much cooler, don’t you agree? You’d better. Then he settled in France.

The few love affairs Unky Berky had with girls turned sour on account that they always had the upper hand, causing mayhem down under. In Milan he got involved with a student who only swore by Karl Marx and Buddy Spencer (even though these guys had been dead long ago); she almost converted him to hard core communism.

The woman that got hold of him in Paris was half Polish half leopard, and she almost clawed his eyes out once - he still has a scar on his left temple. That experience must have turned his boxer shorts around, quashing his manimalism forever and forcing him to concentrate on his feminine side - he insists that everybody has the two in them, whether you’re a boy or a girl … that will be the day!

Yesterday we went to see a musical on Broadway. To get those tickets though, we had to line up for two solid hours in the middle of Times Square in the freezing weather, on account that we’d pay them only half-price, tofers, they’re called, goofers, I say.

That uncle of mine is so stingy he has to buy everything at a discount, even his underwear come from bargain stores. Well, he must be darn happy, coz the Christmas sales are on. What’s über amazing is that even the French perfumes are cheaper here than in Paris.

Thank Goddess he let me cross over to a coffee-shop so I could get myself a hot chocolate. After that, I was allowed to go into the nearby stores that carried all kinds of nifty souvenirs, T-shirts and sweaters with New York written on them … as long as he could see me.

Excerpt 7 from ZAPINETTE GOES TO NEW YORK by Albert Russo