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To Dodge a Bullet
by Bill Tope

"I can't keep this up," said Wallace fretfully,
sifting through a catalog. "I'm not interested
in your sexual problems," remarked his sister
in law, flashing an evil grin.
"You're very funny, Suzanne," replied Wallace.
She took a little bow. "You're as funny as a
leak in an artificial heart," he ventured.
"Whoops," she said. "Forgot to laugh--again."
"It may interest you to know what I'm working
on," he told her. She looked up. "I'm trying to
find something for Roxie for our fourth wedding
"How about a divorce?" she suggested. He
furrowed his brow. "Think of it," she said
persuasively. "It's something personal; it's new;
it's something she hasn't got; and probably
longs for; and it would make her so happy!"
"Think of something else," he told her. She
lapsed into a thoughtful silence. "How
about a dildo?" she asked unexpectedly.
"Wha...!" he cried out. "No, you're right, she
doesn't need one; she's got you." Wallace
blew out a breath, shook his head wearily.
"Unless, of course," added Suzanne, "you're not
cutting the mustard..." and she left the thought
hanging. "We're fine there," he assured her.
"Not what I heard," she said cryptically. The brow
furrowed again. "What have you heard?" he asked.
She tipped her nose into the air. "Nothing..." and
left it hanging there again.
"Girl," he said, "you are a piece of work." "Yes," she
agreed, but you must find me attractive." He cocked 
a brow. "After all, I am Roxie's identical twin."
"You look the same," he conceded, "but...."
"Oh, you're dying to get your hands on me. Every
guy dreams about twins," she went on.  He snorted.
"Wally, I'd like to give you something," she said in a 
quiet, serious voice. He looked up from the catalog,
"It's sort of a pre-anniversary gift," she went on. She
had his attention now. Suddenly she turned up a
canister of Silly String and opened fire on her
brother in law.
Green strings of plastic cascaded from the cannister
and soon had enveloped him. He made a grab for the
can, but Suzanne was too quick for him and darted out
of reach, continuing to inundate him with the webs of
Silly String.
Suddenly he moved rapidly, more rapidly than she had ever
seen him move. He had one arm round her waist, the other
clasping her hands behind her back.  He laughed victoriously
and she giggled maniacally. The can fell to the floor and the
two of them stood in that intimate, awkward embrace, their
faces flushed from the exertion. Their skin was hot where
it touched the other.
His face was but inches from hers. He could smell the
wintergreen mints on her breath, she the after shave she'd
given him last Christmas.  She does look so like Roxie, he
thought, and realized he was breathing hard. And she
seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Would he really
kiss her? she wondered frantically. And would she let him?
The moment of closeness seemed to last a lifetime, but soon
it was over and they each withdrew, back into their own space.
He stood awkwardly, his hands now empty, but twitching. She
edged around him and picked up the catalog which had fallen
to the floor.
"I think that Roxie would enjoy these diamond studs," she told
him in a voice which crackled with nerves. They stood near
but not touching. He peered at the page, seeing nothing.
"Thanks, Suzie," he said gruffly. They simultaneously heaved
a great sigh of relief.