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The Seven Plagues
by Albert Russo

In less time than you eat your meal, Goddess turned the Nile into a river of blood, let millions of frogs and toads - yuk yuk, the ladder specially! - invade the land, gnats infest everything in every single Egyptian’s house, attack their beds and even their hair - yeah you can die from tickling. I wonder how better it is than dying laughing. As if all these punishments weren’t enough, and since Fairho was still not bending to Mo’s pleas, Goddess added new plagues. She sent so many furious furry flies all over Egypt that the people couldn’t see straight anymore. The flies covered every surface, their faces, their bodies, their food, their behinds when they had to do number two. Then all the animals and livestock died of mad goat, mad cow and also mad camel disease.

Now, you would think that after all these terrible things happening to his subjects and to Himself, FairHo would have understood Goddess’ warning. Shuks, He was so pig- and bullheaded that even with gnats in His fair, up and down-under, with the flies and mosquitos buzzing around His head and pricking His delicately perfumed skin, even His whatchamacallit, He still growled a faint, dribbling Nooo.

It didn’t end here, for every Egyptian, including their king, had their whole skin swollen with boils and pus so ugly, itchy and stinking that they looked like they were eaten up by termites with rabies - yeah, not only dogs have that sickness, so I claim.

While all this was going on, Goddess spared the Hebrews, which made their oppressors seethe with rage, while they were suffering something too awful. A formidable storm then broke out, sending hailstones the size of coconuts all over the country, smashing the poor people’s huts to a pulp, and even destroying palaces, killing thousands. Millions of locusts nibbled on every leaf, fruit and vegetable the land contained, razing everything that grew out of the earth so that soon the people had nothing to eat that could keep them healthy and they began to chew on bark, dried roots and even bug skeletons.

But the worst of all the plagues finally changed FairHo’s mind: every first-born Egyptian was struck with death. The king then called for Moses and ordered him to get the heck out of Egypt with his friggin’ people, their cattle and their meager belongings, on account that he couldn’t stand the curse of Goddess anymore, She who, he admitted, had the powers of a thousand devils, the likes of which not even the most vicious of the Egyptian gods could match, not the Cobra, nor the Scorpion, not even the mighty Croc, who in comparison performed like pussyfooty ladybugs.