The Golden Calf
by Albert Russo
In places like Argentina,
the generals gave the dictator’s opponents
plane rides and had them jump from altitudes of
ten thousand feet or more, forgetting to lend
them parachutes - it was supposed to be one of
them special package deals called ‘From Here
to Paradise Lost’, but in reality, it was a
one-way-no-return- trip, whether they’d
asked for it or not.
After the last and very
heated argument I had with my mother, I was in
such a boiling state of disrepair that Unky Berky
nearly freaked out, coz I was yelling to low,
very low hell, attacking adults in general, him
included, calling them arrow-gant
racists, child hair-assers and mental
rapists, who oughta remember one fonda-mental
thing: that the truth comes out of our pure,
dainty, lil mouths and not out of their stinking,
foul, toothless jaws.
Wow wow wow, such a long
ass-side! You can learn things with them, so stop
complaining! This is called edu-ca-shun,
you ignoramisses!
Back to Mo. Goddess called
him again to Mount Sinai on account that She
wanted to give him two stone tablets in which the
Ten commandments were carved, to prove that She
was the first bestselling sacred authoress
of our planet. The tablets were so heavy that
poor Mo had to become a contortionist, dancing
the jitterbug in order not to lose his balance
and fall head over heels - not in love, dope -,
and brake the tablets. Since he couldn’t
walk fast with the holy burden Goddess had given
him, it would take him ages to return to his
people.
In the meantime, the
Israelites became impatient and thought that
Moses had forgotten them, or worse that he would
never come back, and soon they forgot all about
the Commandments. Grumbling and cursing, they
asked Aaron if they could build a statue to
worship. And every person gave his and her jewels
to be melted and make a huge and glittering
golden calf - that’s where the expreshun
‘Holy Cow!’ came from. For you, city
nerds who can’t tell the difference between
a goose and a fat duck, the calf is the child of
a cow, not a moose.
The next morning all the
people surrounded the golden calf and brought
offerings, remembering how the Egyptians honored
their gods. They were so proud to have one they
had chosen themselves and built with their own
hands, that they started spinning like them
Turkish dervishes and sang for hours into a crazy
merry-go-round, stuffing themselves with grilled
mutton and fresh dates … mmm When suddenly
Moses reappeared, seeing what his people were
doing, he flew into a rage that sounded like a
thunderclap that sent echoes bouncing from
mountain to mountain and he frightened the bejeezette
out of the sinners. He was so furious that he
threw the tablets containing the Ten Commandments
to the ground and broke it into pieces. He
ordered them to immediately burn the golden calf.
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