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The Golden Calf
by Albert Russo

In places like Argentina, the generals gave the dictator’s opponents plane rides and had them jump from altitudes of ten thousand feet or more, forgetting to lend them parachutes - it was supposed to be one of them special package deals called ‘From Here to Paradise Lost’, but in reality, it was a one-way-no-return- trip, whether they’d asked for it or not.

After the last and very heated argument I had with my mother, I was in such a boiling state of disrepair that Unky Berky nearly freaked out, coz I was yelling to low, very low hell, attacking adults in general, him included, calling them arrow-gant racists, child hair-assers and mental rapists, who oughta remember one fonda-mental thing: that the truth comes out of our pure, dainty, lil mouths and not out of their stinking, foul, toothless jaws.

Wow wow wow, such a long ass-side! You can learn things with them, so stop complaining! This is called edu-ca-shun, you ignoramisses!

Back to Mo. Goddess called him again to Mount Sinai on account that She wanted to give him two stone tablets in which the Ten commandments were carved, to prove that She was the first bestselling sacred authoress of our planet. The tablets were so heavy that poor Mo had to become a contortionist, dancing the jitterbug in order not to lose his balance and fall head over heels - not in love, dope -, and brake the tablets. Since he couldn’t walk fast with the holy burden Goddess had given him, it would take him ages to return to his people.

In the meantime, the Israelites became impatient and thought that Moses had forgotten them, or worse that he would never come back, and soon they forgot all about the Commandments. Grumbling and cursing, they asked Aaron if they could build a statue to worship. And every person gave his and her jewels to be melted and make a huge and glittering golden calf - that’s where the expreshun ‘Holy Cow!’ came from. For you, city nerds who can’t tell the difference between a goose and a fat duck, the calf is the child of a cow, not a moose.

The next morning all the people surrounded the golden calf and brought offerings, remembering how the Egyptians honored their gods. They were so proud to have one they had chosen themselves and built with their own hands, that they started spinning like them Turkish dervishes and sang for hours into a crazy merry-go-round, stuffing themselves with grilled mutton and fresh dates … mmm When suddenly Moses reappeared, seeing what his people were doing, he flew into a rage that sounded like a thunderclap that sent echoes bouncing from mountain to mountain and he frightened the bejeezette out of the sinners. He was so furious that he threw the tablets containing the Ten Commandments to the ground and broke it into pieces. He ordered them to immediately burn the golden calf.