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The First Podkaaak
by George Beckerman

Not many people know this, but…the podcast was created by a gentleman named Kaaak.  Well, “gentleman” might be a little generous.  Kaaak was a Cro-Magnon who lived 35,000 years ago on the continent currently known as Europe.  And “kaaak” was the sound he made to communicate with other Cro-Mags.  Thus, his name.
One day, our boy climbed to the top of the hill above his village to warn the neighboring community that a sabre-toothed tiger was headed its way.  He bellowed out the only word he knew, which was of course, “kaaak!”  The Cro-Magnons that lived in the valley below scampered to safety. Encouraged by that success, Kaaak expanded from animal alerts to nature’s bounty reports. 
Cro-Mags, primarily ate fruits, berries, nuts, seeds, and roots. From his perch atop the bluff, Kaaak loudly grunted about which areas were currently producing the best berries, nuts and roots.  And for meat-eaters who enjoyed a nice center cut of mastodon, Kaaak included beast tracking info.  As his informational hilltop squawks grew in popularity, Kaaak incorporated guest experts from parts beyond.  Thus, the podkaaak was born.
And expanding fast.  Fire-making tips.  How to create harpoons from reindeer antlers.   Best Komodo dragon egg recipes.  And for the kids, stories of talking animals that are cute and funny, but never tear them to pieces. Kaaak’s wife Yeeek also got into the act.  She taught and critiqued the art of cave-drawings.
The most listened-to were the debates about the fate of Cro-Magnons who mysteriously disappeared without a trace and those who were accused of being responsible. The obvious incubation of the murder-mystery craze.
The podkaaaks became so wildly successful that Kaaak franchised. Ten hills and counting. Villages thrived. Standards of living rose. The creation of leisure time energized the population. Some even said that Kaaak invented the dating service.  Throw a stone and hit a potential mate.
It was going so well, that Kaaak and Yeeek were able to purchase a vacation hill overlooking a more exclusive valley. And Kaaak’s likeness supplanted the woolly mammoth as the most popular drawing on cave walls.  He had amassed over two hundred followers.  Cro-Mags that literally followed him around. And then…it happened.
One of Kaaak’s sons was accused of trading inferior quality rocks, cave-to-cave.  A stone mattress slab had collapsed, injuring a family of sixteen.  Kaaak had to turn over his vacation hill to pay damages. His reputation was in deep Pterodactyl shit. And then…it REALLY happened.
A neighbor’s wife claimed that Kaaak had rescued her from a Megaloceros.  In Cro-Magnon society, this was akin to adultery. Several other wives came forward to testify that Kaaak saved them from various carnivorous animals. And then…it really, and this time it’s serious…happened.
Kaaak became the first lifeform ever to be Kaaakcelled.  Unfortunately, in Cro-Mag society, Kaaakcellation not only meant “Go away”, it signified that the wronged had the right to dine on the wrongdoer.  Cannibalism was a popular punishment.
But fortunately for Kaaak pragmatic heads prevailed. When they considered his social value to the people, how Kaaak changed life for the better, and how losing him would eliminate the greatest visionary Cro-Magnon civilization has ever had, they came to the conclusion that…you can’t have your Kaaak and eat him too.