The Checkup
by Ian Curtress
I have been lucky with my
health and cannot remember when I last saw a
doctor, but having reached sixty five and
retiring thought I should have a checkup, one or
two things giving hints of malfunction.
Made an appointment and was duly ushered in to
the doctor, a pleasant man, looking rather tired
but with the required periscope dangling around
his neck.
I understand you want a general checkup he said,
so let’s get started.
Did away with niceties, like good morning, haven’t
seen you for a long time, keeping well?
Great to feel wanted!
Now for some reason I immediately felt under the
weather. Straight in. How are your bowel
movements?
I tend to make jokes when nervous. Keeping time
with the music, I tried Ignored.
Had the runs recently?
I kept the marathon joke to myself. No I meekly
replied
Any trouble with the water works he said.
Rather baffled, I said no. Pay my bill by direct
debit. It was here I detected a little tension.
Do you have trouble passing water he said rather
abruptly.
Well I get a little dizzy on high bridges and don’t
walk too near the edge of the bank I said.
He cut me short. Does your water burn! I admitted
I had never tried to light it.
For some reason he looked as though he had been
sitting in the sun A sort of unhealthy glow.
With a look of resignation on his face, he tried
again
Do your legs ache going up stairs he tried. Now
here I could help him. No. not since we moved
into a bungalow six months ago
Have you taken any nasty knocks playing football.
Was yellow carded a few times Took this in his
stride. Let’s check your legs anyway, he
said.
After much pulling and pushing he summed up.
He said your Fibula is bruised. Resisted the
Tibia cat joke. You have various veins he said.
My turn to be baffled.
I would have thought we all had various veins I
offered. His colour wasn’t improving.
Varicose veins! he said. Varicose! he said again,
with some edginess. Thought. Well you did medical
school. I did woodwork!
Used his periscope on my chest. Deep breath and
hold he said.
It was then he noticed his coffee on the desk and
drank deeply
First time I had seen a look of pleasure on his
face which quickly changed as he said. Exhale !
He’d notice the blue tinge spoiling my
complexion.
A completely different tack now, probably thought
coming down to my level Do you have any problems
with the Crown Jewels, he coyly asked.
Not a well known medical term but I knew what he
meant. Family heirlooms.
Well I said. A few facets worn I expect but
pleased to say the Koh-i-Noor is intact. First
time he had smiled. Took me by surprise, thought
it might be wind but didn’t comment
As we were now on the delicate part of the
anatomy I thought I’d mention a recent
irritation in the derrière area.
After a few moments examination which I shall not
enlarge upon. He said you have Emma Lloyds.
This was unknown territory for a layman.
Was she the boffin who identified the condition?
I asked. Who? he asked bringing his head up from
my nether regions. Emma Lloyds I replied.
Haemorrhoids! He said impatiently, Haemorrhoids!
Well how I could hear clearly with his head
halfway between my legs. Things were not going
well.
I’ll give you a prescription which will
clear those up he said. This time in a more
understanding tone.
Then spoiled the mood by saying I’ll make an
appointment for you with our fleabottomist! The
mind boggles.I didn’t ask.
I left thinking if this is the start of
retirement I’ll go back to work.
Epilogue.
I rang the doctor after picking up the
prescription for suppositories, and asked if
there were smaller ones as I was having
difficulties swallowing them.
I think they were having a Covid party as in
between hysterical laughter he said have you been
taking them by mouth?
What do you expect me to do I replied, in an
aggravated voice! It was then he told what I
could do with them!
Not the sort of comment you expect from a doctor
or the NHS I’m now with BUPA!
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