Speaking in
Babelese
by Albert Russo
What I failed to tell you
is that we revisited Israel just before Miss
friggin’ Corona landed on our planet,
compliment of MaimLand China, on account
that Unky Berky was over-and-über-whelmed by Tel
Aviv and its freedom of dressing like it’s
Christmas and Hanukkah all year round - no it has
nothing to do with hookahs, them water pipettes
that folks in the Middle East smoke. It’s
mushed-up tobacco with different delicious
flavors like mint, cherry, chocolate, coconut,
licorice, cappuccino, watermelon, and even Granpa
Smithereens apple. All lekker mamash. Ok
ok, I’ll translate and won’t charge you
for it. Lekker means vey vely tasty in
Afrikaans, and mamash means super dooper
in Hebrew.
Oh oh oh, stop it already,
I hear what your are withthpering: ‘mashed
potato’! Now, if you put one and one
together, you don’t expect me to give you
the answer, do you? You’re supposed to have
reached the age where you don’t need a
pacifier anymore before you go to shluf.
I know that some of you still pee in their bed.
That’s psychiatric business, I don’t
deal with that, unless you pay me $ 1,000 an hour
for extra-curricular services.
My uncle forces me to write
a detailed report after every trip we take, so
that I can impress my teacher and my classmates,
when school resumes after the Summer vacation.
That is the damn part of the deal if I want to
continue to visit places with him.
Thus, therefore and
thereupon - you may wear an apron if you wish,
though it’s not compulsery, except if you
are real slobs - I also have to explain to you
ninnies what Hanukkah is all about. It’s a JewVishe
holiday that goes back to the times of Matthew
and Salem, at about the time Jerusalem was built
- don’t you see how these two words rhyme?
As for Hanukka, it’s a festival that
commemorates the re-dedication of the Holy Temple
in Jerusalem following the Maccabean revolt -
they were a Jewish group of warriors - against
the Syrian-Greek army of yore, and lasts eight
days and eight nights.
Open your ears and pay
attention, godverdek (Dutch for ‘godammit’)!
yeah, I’m losing my patience, coz I see some
of you yawning so widely till soon your jaws will
drop to the floor, while I’m breaking my
head, trying to educate you. Ah, so I am using
too many furren words, hey! Is it my
fault if my vocabulary has become polyglottish?
That’s because of my being globetrottish.
You’ll see how you will be talking after a
month’s vacation in France, if ever you
should drop in Gay Paree or the Riviera.
“I’ve déjà
vu all the monuments of Paris at least twice,
and mangé some wonderful croque
monsieur, with salade niçoise and boeuf
bourgignon. Hasta la vista (that’s
Spanish, you nerd, don’t mix languages, it
should be au revoir, ok!)
Excerpt
4 from CORONA ZAPINETTE by Albert Russo
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