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Sleeping Gods
by Albert Russo

For you, politically illiterate ninnies, ‘Intifada’ means Palestinian uprising against the Israeli army and civilians. But the more I learn about the ongoing feud between these two peoples living in this tiny area, the more I start sweating, coz everybody you speak to over here believes there will never be any peace, on account that both sides maintain that the other one is dead wrong. There must be a Yasser Bin Mandela and a Solomon Ben Gandhi somewhere in the neighborhood - leave your hiding place, you two, and do your friggin job, ferchrisssake, yeah, I’m also talking to you, Jeeezuuus, get a move on, for crying out loud, where have YOU been all this time? As for you, God the Father Christmas, I’m sure you’ve been messing around with all them pagan goddesses, instead of looking after your people, so why the hell did you choose them? Force these two peaceniks to do their coming out lest the place falls to pieces and gets riddled with holes like that stinking Swiss cheese you forgot in the pantry last year! This can’t go on indefinitely! The Palestinians claim that the Jews stole their land - which is a half lie, since much of it was bought from private Arab folks, and yeah, many others were expelled -, while the Israelis claim that the land has been lived in by Jews since the days of the Bible - which is half a truth, coz there were just a few stray Jewish cats during all those centuries and perhaps a couple of dogs too - and that Jerusalem, with its First and Second Temples (in ruin - you just have to see how often Jews wail in front of that Western Wall) on whose mount the Muslims built their beautiful - whoah, mag-ni-fi-cent - Golden mosque, is the center of Judaism, proven by them Dead Sea scrolls which were rescoopcitated sixty years ago by a poor Beduin, whereas it is only Islam’s third or fourth holy site. Jeezette, how many holy sites do they have around the world? Is that why the Sunni hate the Shia and vice versa and bomb each other’s mosques? Holy Shiiiat is what I say!

Avi and Miki (not Mouse, nerd, he’s more of a lion) took us to a coffee shop in old Jaffa called Napoleon, maybe they wanted to honor us, since we live in France. Old Napo freed the Jews of Europe from their ghettos, giving them the same rights the Christians had, after two-thousand years of Jew-bashing, when Jesus, Jeezette, Jacko, their brother, the Virgin (lol ... lol ... lol) Mary and her hubby Joey were all kosherized Jews! and he even tried to conquer Palestine. To mislead his enemies, Napoleon dressed like an Arab sheik and wore a turban; then, when he came near them, he shouted: “In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful”, and so fork and ding dong, but the Mamluks weren't fooled and they stopped him before he could reach Jerusalem.