The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Shopping Around
by Ian Curtress

Only once do they visit my garden pond now, a visit never forgotten!
Being so disambulated at losing valuable ornamental fish one after another
I was deverminated something had to be done. Wikipedia gave me a pointer
then google and finally a site which popped up from the upper reaches of the Amazon.
They have a small franchised branch shop called Handy Andes near Mongabay
It specialises in pest breeding. They will breed a pest to your requirements and for any purpose or size. They even ava conda but that’s not for sale.

My spec was something which would live happily with my fish but conceal itself until
an intruder enters. Then to give it a very discumplicating fright.
He said it would come as an egg to drop in the water.
Once that is done it’s advisable to refrain from paddling.
Payment was preferred in dollars or green shield stamps. However, we settled on twenty of my gold top foil milk tops. These were cleaned and pressed and I assured them these were valuable and would gain two adults free access into Birmingham Town Hall.

In due course the egg arrived, disguised as a coconut with several warning stickers such
“Do not shoke vehemently” “keep coal and do not overhate”
(couldn’t get Prime as Amazon don’t recognise Gold Top)
Anyway, couldn't wait to put it in my pond, which I did with some trepidation.
There was a muffled crack and then a fizz. Water went green but soon cleared.
I cautiously peered in but could see only pieces of shell.

I was on the landing window when I saw the big tabby, that has had many a feed at my expense, climb down to the pond. As his head approached the water surface there was
a splash and half the cat disappeared. It was held there for a short time then released.
That cat went down my garden in leaps which would have put a kangaroo to shame.
Has not been seen since.

There’s a large dog fox I feed at night. He has a beautiful coat and although I like him
visiting he had become greedy. After eating his meal he began having a fish course.
There was a scuffle the other night, water splashing everywhere. I put outside lights on in time to see him clearing my five foot rear fence by about two feet.
He still comes for his nightly meal but gives the pond a very wide berth. I notice he has a white stripe down the middle of his back.

So my problem is solved but I can’t help wondering what it is that’s solving it.
Can’t see anything. Daren’t put my hand in. What happens when I have to clean the pump and filters.
I contacted Handy Andes for advice and spoke to a Dr.Mongo (Ph.D or witch) ? and he said he couldn’t be much help as they have the same problem.
They put a spare egg in the local river and now no one will fetch water.
They have been forced to up sticks and move to the coast, leaving Amazon and settling
at a place called E.Bay.