Seattle Graffiti
Artists Actually Two Punk Vandals
by Maury Levine
SEATTLE, WA
– When graffiti appeared on the front of a
new building in the Chinatown-International
District over the weekend, Seattle Mayor Bruce
Harrell called the painting “beautiful
artwork created by inspiring graffiti artists.”
The graffiti makers have disputed the mayor’s
claim.
“That’s
bullshit. We ain’t none of that, yo,” a
male calling himself Shanks responded. “We’re
hardcore, yo. We just a couple of punk ass
vandals.”
Mayor Harrell
said, “Since we started the One Seattle
Graffiti Art Initiative in 2022, the City of
Seattle has been proud to recognize deserving
graffiti artists and their craft. If the mystery
artists would step forward, we would love to
present them with a commemorative placque. The
gorgeous sunset portrait on the new building is a
blessing, indeed.”
“We don’t
want no stupid placque,” a male calling
himself Death Zombie said. “And that ain’t
no damn sunset. Harrell don’t get it. Look
what we did, yo. We drew a fire. A big ass fire.
The whole city’s on fire. Look – that’s
City Hall. And it’s on fire.There’s
Garfield High School. It’s on fire. There’s
Jefferson Park and the Library – they’re
on damn fire, yo.”
Mayor Harrell
continued, “The graffiti artists also
painted some kind of lettering next to the sunset
portrait. I had a foreign language professor from
the University of Washington translate what it
says. According to the professor, the message is
in Greek and it says ‘Building Our City
Together Through Community.’ That’s
incredibly inspirational to all of us who work to
improve Seattle.”
“Bullshit,”
Shanks responded. ‘It don’t say that,
yo. Look at it. It’s our names. It says,
‘Shanks and Death Zombie Will Kill You.’
That damn Harrell don’t know what the hell
he’s talking about. I’m getting pissed
off, yo.”
“Me, too,”
Death Zombie said. “Let’s go punch
someone in the face, yo.” Enraged, Shanks
and Death Zombie immediately assault someone at
the corner of Maryland Avenue South and South
King Street.
Mayor Harrell
commented, “I would also like to commend the
anonymous citizens who assisted in bringing a
notorious drug dealer to justice. The convicted
drug dealer, Randal Dustin, was found unconscious
at the corner of Maryland Avenue South and South
King Street. We’re grateful to the
upstanding Seattle residents who helped take this
criminal off our streets.”
Shanks said,
“Bullshit.”
Death Zombie
agreed. “Yo.”
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