Samsonite
by Albert Russo
It’s already terrible
that our sisters in Iran and Saudi Arabia look
like black letterboxes, but the poor guys must
have their foreskin - what hangs out of the
pecker, for you ninnies who don’t know what
I’m talking about (and no this is not pornovulgar,
it’s the facts of life, like the birds and
the bees and how they mate) - cut off, ouch,
ouchchch, what barbaric customs!
Samson’s mom cried so
much that she couldn’t see straight for days,
cooking the strangest dishes the family had ever
tasted: rabbit paws and ears, with their fur,
heads of roosters with their cockscomb, pork
nostrils stuffed with weed, and so fork and
ding dong.
As for his father, he
refused to speak to him. But Samson wouldn’t
change his mind. To prove that he was the
strongest guy in Judea and beyond, he provoked
the Philistines and fought them one by one,
killing hundreds. They really feared him and
couldn’t understand how one man could
overpower a whole army, single handed.
“You see, my dear ones,”
he turned to his parents, “Goddess hasn’t
abandoned me, I’m still the mightiest dude
around.”
His folks could only agree
to what he said and finally allowed him to marry
Delilah, though they weren’t happy with the
prospect. What kind of hussie was that girl, a
daughter of their bitterest enemies?
Samson didn’t stop
there. He went into the desert and killed a
fierce lion; a few days later, he brought back to
his parents honeycombs that were nested inside
the beast’s carcass. Yeah, he was indeed
history’s first superman.
The Philistines wanted to
take revenge and approached Delilah:
“Oh lovely one, help
us fight that Jew who has caused us so much
suffering, and ask him the secret of his strength.”
They begged her so much that she finally promised
them she would get the answer one way or the
other.
So, Deliah, the traitoress,
pretended even more convincingly than when she
met him for the first time, she loved the
handsome and mighty Samson so blindly that they
spent the whole night smooching like there would
be no tomorrow. The ladder believed she
was really infatuated with him.
Between you and me, that is
the strength of us felinists: put on a
big smile, pretend you’re smitten like the
lightning has just struck you, that you’re
so enthththused by your partner that he is
dazzled like a pretzel just out of the oven and
his heart is on meltdown mode, so much so that he
begins raving like a drunk tiger - oh so, you’ve
never seen a drunk tiger! Pour the contents of a
full bottle of Absolut vodka in a big bowl and
you’ll see how fast he will lap it off, with
the result that he will soon be woozy, blitzed
and then totally zonked.
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