On The Subway
by Albert Russo
Opposite me, a mastroiannic character
settled with all her parcels - they didn’t
contain any presents, I can assure you, more like
knick knacks for an evening picnic in the Bowery.
She had the bust of Oinka the rhino and her face
was daubed in a higgeldy-piggeldy fashion, like
someone had given her regular knocks on the elbow
while she was trying to apply some makeup.
What she had on resembled a wraparound quilt
which had probably served as a nest for mice in
the late 1890’s, with glass beads and mica
chips sown around the threadbare patches of silk
or cotton to give it a touch of ... originality -
more like an antique mirror that broke into a
thousand tiny pieces, scattered all over.
Right above her ankles, which had the consistency
of Parma ham, you could see the lace trimmings of
at least three petticoats, don’t ask me what
color they were, and underneath all of it,
galoshes which could have fitted King Kong.
In the jungle, she would have given a heart
attack to the hungriest tiger.
She’d goggle at me,
huffing and puffing like an otary - I didn’t
say ovary, you pervert, an otary is a bloated
seal - that had just bumped into the wreckage of
the Titanic, licking her mustachioed chops every
once in a while, which, by the way, were tainted
in mauve. Then, luckily for me, she
recognized a passenger who had just gotten in, a
little lady who wore a fur hat that covered her
ears and a brown winter coat enhanced by a fox
collar. For her sake, I hope that they were
both fake.
“Oh, but that’s
my sweet Rita, what a nice surprise!” the
otary exclaimed in a loud voice, while she pushed
her immediate neighbors away to make room for her
friend. The lil lady remained dumbstruck
like she’d just met the abominable snow
woman. Then, recomposing herself, she tried
to step back, but the otary began to pat the
empty space next to her insistently and the lil
lady whom everyone was now staring at had no
choice but to take the offered seat. And
clacking her tongue, the otary said:
“I don't know if it's
those subway lights - I hardly ever take the
subway, it turns people into potential criminals
- but you do look a bit green. Have you been ill
lately?"
The lil lady was so
embarrassed, she probably wished she were a snail
that could shrink back into its shell and
disappear. I must admit though that those
two made a very strange pair.
The otary went on, talking
in her booming voice as if they were all alone.
“Have you heard about
those two thugs burglarising the apartments of
little old ladies and abusing them? They've
been on the rampage for several weeks now and the
cops can't get their paws on them. You'd
better watch out, they're supposed to be
operating around your neighborhood. Hope
you won't be the next victim.
From
the author's GOSH ZAPINETTE! series (10 episodes)
published by Cyberwit.net (India)
Excerpt from ZAPINETTE GOES TO NEW YORK (ZNY) by
Albert Russo
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