More of 'Thy
shalt not'
by Albert Russo
For ‘Thou shalt not
kill’, I had to specify, “In case you
get shot at by snipers like in Syria and they
missed you, throw back a hand grenade, unless you
consider yourself a target not worth two fartings.”
To ‘Thou shalt not
commit adultery’, I had to add, on account
of my uncle, “essept if you have
decided not to get married and you’ve turned
all up a pole through the intervention of the
Holy Spirit.” You must allow some leeway for
homeys and divorced bikes,
otherwise there’d be no democracy left, coz
in a married couple there’s always a
dictator lurking somewhere.
Instead of ‘Thou shalt
not steal’, I’ve written, “Thou
shalt borrow from the rich, whether they like it
or not, and without having to pay back either
interest or capital, so that the Hollywood mowglies
won’t need to shoot sad films like Les
Misérables of poor Victor Hugo, or David
Copperfield anymore—not the magician,
you ninny, he’s rich and handsome, and his
girlfriend, the model (it’s Claudie Stiffer,
remember?), is even richer than him, what the
Dickens did you think I was talking about?
Unky Berky lent me his old
Bible, which is all tattered and tatooed and is
almost falling apart, on account that he’s
used it so often, doing research about his
condition as a member of the immoral setchual
minority.
You can’t imagine the
number of laws and lecher-delirious cases I found
in it: men who sleep with their mothers (now I
know where the dirty word ‘motherfucker’
comes from) or their aunts (I’ve never heard
people yell ‘auntiefucker’ in the
street. Mystery, nannyties, Hector’n
Tommy, is what I say), fathers who seduce
their daughters or their sisters-in-law, widows
who do it with their brothers-in-law, the same
night they’ve buried their husbands. That’s
what they call insect relationships.
In fact, there are many
laws in the Bible concerning animals, like ‘Thou
shalt not eat crab’—that’s for the
dolphins, coz no one will ever forbid me to order
a luscious crab salad, it’s even tastier
than lobster Newburgh, which is my favorite among
the sea-critters. They also mention camels,
donkeys and even ostriches - here they don’t
say if you’re allowed to wear bags or purses
made from them mega geese who are so dumb anyway,
they hide their heads in the sand whenever they’re
caught in the middle of a shootout.
When I came across the
following law, I really understood how you could
become a fonda-mentalist: ‘If an
oxen kicks a man or a woman with its horn and he
or she should die as a consequence, the oxen
shall be stoned to death and thou shalt not savor
its flesh, but the oxen’s owner shall not be
punished. This is camel mentality at ist worst,
like the German Wurst which gives me tummy aches,
it’s so fulla tripes and uncushy
stuff too disgusting for words.
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