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More of 'Thy shalt not'
by Albert Russo

For ‘Thou shalt not kill’, I had to specify, “In case you get shot at by snipers like in Syria and they missed you, throw back a hand grenade, unless you consider yourself a target not worth two fartings.”

To ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’, I had to add, on account of my uncle, “essept if you have decided not to get married and you’ve turned all up a pole through the intervention of the Holy Spirit.” You must allow some leeway for homeys and divorced bikes, otherwise there’d be no democracy left, coz in a married couple there’s always a dictator lurking somewhere.

Instead of ‘Thou shalt not steal’, I’ve written, “Thou shalt borrow from the rich, whether they like it or not, and without having to pay back either interest or capital, so that the Hollywood mowglies won’t need to shoot sad films like Les MisÚrables of poor Victor Hugo, or David Copperfield anymore—not the magician, you ninny, he’s rich and handsome, and his girlfriend, the model (it’s Claudie Stiffer, remember?), is even richer than him, what the Dickens did you think I was talking about?

Unky Berky lent me his old Bible, which is all tattered and tatooed and is almost falling apart, on account that he’s used it so often, doing research about his condition as a member of the immoral setchual minority.

You can’t imagine the number of laws and lecher-delirious cases I found in it: men who sleep with their mothers (now I know where the dirty word ‘motherfucker’ comes from) or their aunts (I’ve never heard people yell ‘auntiefucker’ in the street. Mystery, nannyties, Hector’n Tommy, is what I say), fathers who seduce their daughters or their sisters-in-law, widows who do it with their brothers-in-law, the same night they’ve buried their husbands. That’s what they call insect relationships.

In fact, there are many laws in the Bible concerning animals, like ‘Thou shalt not eat crab’—that’s for the dolphins, coz no one will ever forbid me to order a luscious crab salad, it’s even tastier than lobster Newburgh, which is my favorite among the sea-critters. They also mention camels, donkeys and even ostriches - here they don’t say if you’re allowed to wear bags or purses made from them mega geese who are so dumb anyway, they hide their heads in the sand whenever they’re caught in the middle of a shootout.

When I came across the following law, I really understood how you could become a fonda-mentalist: ‘If an oxen kicks a man or a woman with its horn and he or she should die as a consequence, the oxen shall be stoned to death and thou shalt not savor its flesh, but the oxen’s owner shall not be punished. This is camel mentality at ist worst, like the German Wurst which gives me tummy aches, it’s so fulla tripes and uncushy stuff too disgusting for words.