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Mo as a Shepherd
by Albert Russo

Even though he no longer wore princely fineries and blinding jewels, as he used to when he lived at pharaoh’s court, Mo found a nice girl, named Zipporah - she must have shut her nostrils when they first kissed on account of his manimalistic odor -, married her, and they had two sons.

So Moshe (in Hebrew), aka Moses, aka Moussa (in Arabic), tended his father-in-law’s flocks for forty years - make that four years in our era, coz, as you should know by now, the people of yore over- and über-exaggerated sfars the counting of time was concerned.

One evening, in a Goddess-forlorn spot of the Sinai desert, while his flocks were sheepishly trying to sleep, after having been shaven and milked to the last drop - all that is very tiring for them sweet and foul-smelling lil beasts - sitting against a rock, Moses felt drowsy. He started thinking about the thousands of Hebrew slaves who were still living and working their ass off in Egypt, while they kept being flogged for the slightest reason, like turning around for a few seconds on account that they had to do their thing or to wipe their sweat - hey, stop it, I didn’t say what you’re thinking, yeah I’m a mind reader, that’s on top of being a writer.

All of a sudden a bush just above him began to burn, it got brighter and brighter as he approached it.

“Mowowowses!” hollered a voice; it was so ear-splitting, that it sent multiphonic waves of echos all around the surrounding dunes and mountains - and you thought that your home cinema produced the ultimate sound ever invented!

Poor Moshe got the fright of his life and he started stuttering … thutt thutt thutt, so much so that all you could hear at first was someone spluttering on account that he can’t unglue his tongue from the palate - by the way, I looove boiled tongue drizzled with yummy béchamel sauce, accompanied by chestnut purée mmm … mmm, it’s finger lickin’ wow woosh. Moses walked all crooked and hump-backed towards the burning bush to make sure that he really heard that baritone voice.

“Not a step further!” the voice hollered even louder, “take off your dirty sandals, you are standing on holy ground.” Scared to death, Moses was now bent in four, looking like a friggin’ ninja turtle that has slipped out of its shell and suddenly resembles them Egyptian hairless pussycats, which were held in awe, like the monkey and the crocodile gods.

“I am the Goddess of your father and of your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob!” the voice exploded in the atmosphere, bouncing against the mountains and the rocks like in a giant pinball machine. Moses was so flabbyghosted and bimboboozled that he suddenly remembered how ostriches acted in a dangerous situation and he hid his face in the sand.