Laying The Red
Carpet
by Albert Russo
From now on, except for the
three kings I mentioned above, I will concentrate
on the great ladies of the Bible, coz it ain’t
true that all the women were submitted to MCP’s,
they were the Feminists of yore, so much so, that
you can see them painted by the greatest artists,
again and again, doing their outrageous shtick, flabbyghosting
every Tom, Dick and hairy Harry. Their portraits
are kept in the world’s most famous museums.
Since I get terribly bored in these dead places
which my uncle forces to visit with him, I demand
that he show me at least three major felinists
who took revenge on the men who tried to swindle
them or worse, and the ladder got bonked on the
head and also down under, smack where it ain’t
proper to mention.
I know, some of you -
mainly the literary intelletuces, are
already complaining that the chapter about Mo is
much too long. Well, he was a prophet, that is,
much more important than a king, and he deserves
to be remembered in every detail. If I knew more
of his private life I would have continued to
write about him. So, there!
Who said that women were
man-fearing puny pussy cats? Yo, the Bible is
full of great dudesses who turned MCPs into liththping,
tottering, bone-shaking snot noses.
Here is the story of a
mighty felinist. Her name is Deborah,
which in Hebrew means a bumble bee that ain’t
humble, and ssshhhting she could, if ever anyone
dared to bug her. Therefore, thus and
consequently, men learnt not only to respect her
but to obey like the performing monkeys in a
circus obey their master.
The Israelites, who were no
longer nomads, had it a little too easy. They
tended to their flocks like lazy bums, a work
they found so unexciting and boring that they
forgot about Goddess and all the good things She
had done for them, and started to worship idols,
like the time when they adored a golden calf. So
Goddess flew into one of her divine furies that
could freeze your blood, even in the sizzling
desert.
She let the hordes of
Canaanites attack them, raid their fields and
destroy their farms. Many Heebies were killed.
Their leader Barak who was an imposing dude -
yeah he was Obama’s ancestor - asked Deborah
the Prophetess what his people should do to chase
the enemy from their territory.
“First of all, wise
guy, tell them to destroy all those stupid idols
and ask Goddess to forgive them for being such
ungrateful pigs and traitors.” she told him,
without mincing her words, on account that she
couldn’t stand political correctness which
she equated with cowardice.
Barak gave them hell and
ordered the Israelites to immediately destroy all
the statues they had built - they were so badly
put together that they would have won the contest
of the worst sculptor.
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