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Laying The Red Carpet
by Albert Russo

From now on, except for the three kings I mentioned above, I will concentrate on the great ladies of the Bible, coz it ain’t true that all the women were submitted to MCP’s, they were the Feminists of yore, so much so, that you can see them painted by the greatest artists, again and again, doing their outrageous shtick, flabbyghosting every Tom, Dick and hairy Harry. Their portraits are kept in the world’s most famous museums. Since I get terribly bored in these dead places which my uncle forces to visit with him, I demand that he show me at least three major felinists who took revenge on the men who tried to swindle them or worse, and the ladder got bonked on the head and also down under, smack where it ain’t proper to mention.

I know, some of you - mainly the literary intelletuces, are already complaining that the chapter about Mo is much too long. Well, he was a prophet, that is, much more important than a king, and he deserves to be remembered in every detail. If I knew more of his private life I would have continued to write about him. So, there!

Who said that women were man-fearing puny pussy cats? Yo, the Bible is full of great dudesses who turned MCPs into liththping, tottering, bone-shaking snot noses.

Here is the story of a mighty felinist. Her name is Deborah, which in Hebrew means a bumble bee that ain’t humble, and ssshhhting she could, if ever anyone dared to bug her. Therefore, thus and consequently, men learnt not only to respect her but to obey like the performing monkeys in a circus obey their master.

The Israelites, who were no longer nomads, had it a little too easy. They tended to their flocks like lazy bums, a work they found so unexciting and boring that they forgot about Goddess and all the good things She had done for them, and started to worship idols, like the time when they adored a golden calf. So Goddess flew into one of her divine furies that could freeze your blood, even in the sizzling desert.

She let the hordes of Canaanites attack them, raid their fields and destroy their farms. Many Heebies were killed. Their leader Barak who was an imposing dude - yeah he was Obama’s ancestor - asked Deborah the Prophetess what his people should do to chase the enemy from their territory.

“First of all, wise guy, tell them to destroy all those stupid idols and ask Goddess to forgive them for being such ungrateful pigs and traitors.” she told him, without mincing her words, on account that she couldn’t stand political correctness which she equated with cowardice.

Barak gave them hell and ordered the Israelites to immediately destroy all the statues they had built - they were so badly put together that they would have won the contest of the worst sculptor.