The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

by Albert Russo

Here’s the story of another toughie felinist who stopped in their tracks the enemies of her people. The Assyrian army, which was the most powerful in those days, intended to take over Jerusalem and wreak havoc there, killing the Jews and destroying their temple. Woah, that’s exactly what the Mufti of the Dome of the Rock Mosque dreams of doing today: chase the Jews from their holiest city or kill them if they resist, when his ancestors were the ones who stole their country. He blurts out the same idiotic and dangerous nannities to his followers, day in and day out, specially on Fridays, as the Mufti who during WWII was Hitler’s buddy, promised the ladder that he would also send the Jews of the Holy Land to death camps. And all that in the name of Allah the most magnanimouse. Lovely customs you have, Heil Herr Muff!

On their way to Jerusalem the Assyrian warriors stopped at the town of Bethulia and cut off the water that lead to the Jewish capital. After almost a month, their tongues dry like bark - no, they didn’t have the strength to bark, even though they looked like sickly dogs - and their brains muddled, the inhabitants had decided to give themselves up.

“Nothing doing, you pussies!” Judith exclaimed before the town’s magistrates, her cheeks crimson with fury. “Let me handle this alone.” She convinced them after they had heard her plan. Actually they were baba bowled over and flabbighosted by her tenacity.

“I want to speak to General Holofernes,” demanded Judith, as two guards were blocking the entrance to the tent of the Assyrian in command. But when she stuck her face to the nose of each one them in turn, their eyes rolled hysterically, on account that they were voodooed by both her steely determination and her glowing beauty. To impress these males who wore heavy and stinking sheepskins because the nights were quite cold during this season, and particularly her fiercest enemy, Holofernes, she had donned a richly embroidered festival dress made of silk and gold threads, as well as a tiara, worthy of an empress.

She must have looked like a moving Christmas tree - which didn’t exist in her time, but you need a comparison to imagine how lavish she appeared - laden with silver ribbons and fairy lights studded with diamonds, rubies, emeralds and aquamarine. Yeah, she had rings on every finger, dozens of dangling bracelets, anklets and earrings that shone so brightly it gave anyone a headache who tried to stare at them. Even the laces of her sandals were studded with precious stones. Don’t think that was all, coz she believed her success depended on the goodwill and the generosity of Goddess. She prayed so hard for three solid days and nights that she fainted several times, coming to, to resume her prayers, which came out of her mouth, tickling her lips something too ridiculous; every now and then, to stop the nonsense, she would slap her thighs.