The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Joey the Diviner
by Albert Russo

Jacob and Rachel prospered and had twelve sons, but Jacob’s favorite was Joseph, the youngest. His brothers became terribly jealous of him, on account that their father kept praising him, telling them that they oughta take example on the lad. And washmore, Joseph bragged a lil too much, saying that in his dreams, his brothers bowed down to him and became his servants.

“Now, Joey, what kinda psychology is that? How did you want your brothers to like you, big headed that you were - a pig headed brat, I would add? Really!”

Jacob gave lil Joey a hand-woven coat that fit him perfectly - in them days there weren’t machines that mass produced garments, remember? A coat like that today would cost double what Gucci would change you. Another slap in the face of his brothers.

One day, his father sent him to go and check how his other sons were tending to the flocks of sheep and goats, and if they weren’t dilly dallying under the palm trees of some oasis, coz he knew that some of them were lazy bums.

Poor lil Joe didn’t know what was awaiting him. He got stripped of his coat and smacked black and blue, then thrown into a ditch like a piece of garbage. Instead of killing him, they thought of how to get rid of their bothersome brother and get money, by the same token. They sold him as a slave for thirty shekels - hey, Israel today uses the same money - to a passing caravan of traders bound for the land of Egypt.

The eleven remaining brothers came back to their father in the evening with crocodile tears, the hypocritters, and showed the coat Jacob had given Joseph, torn and smeared with blood. The patriarch cried his heart out, believing that his favorite son had been mauled by a lion. Of course he never once thought of how tender the flesh of such a young boy could be. So, I’m cruel, hey? How do you feel when you eat a juicy cheese burger?

So it was that Joseph became a slave, and the once idle softie had to work very hard for his owner, lest he be lashed like a stubborn donkey that refuses to obey his master. He was so good at his job, that his reputation eventually came to the ears of Potiphar - the pharaoh who invented the potty for babies. Potiphar made the young guy manager in chief of all his property.

From a lanky nondescript youth, Joseph turned into a hunk, with muscles bulging everywhere - hey, ho, don’t be vulgar, I didn’t mean what your twisted mind is imagining. He was so handsome that Egypt’s First lady, Potiphar’s wife wanted to seduce him, forcing him to do lecherous shenanigans - no this has nothing to do with café leche - with her that I don’t need to describe here.