Joey the Diviner
by Albert Russo
Jacob and Rachel prospered
and had twelve sons, but Jacob’s favorite
was Joseph, the youngest. His brothers became
terribly jealous of him, on account that their
father kept praising him, telling them that they
oughta take example on the lad. And washmore,
Joseph bragged a lil too much, saying that in his
dreams, his brothers bowed down to him and became
his servants.
“Now, Joey, what kinda
psychology is that? How did you want your
brothers to like you, big headed that you were -
a pig headed brat, I would add? Really!”
Jacob gave lil Joey a hand-woven
coat that fit him perfectly - in them days there
weren’t machines that mass produced garments,
remember? A coat like that today would cost
double what Gucci would change you. Another slap
in the face of his brothers.
One day, his father sent
him to go and check how his other sons were
tending to the flocks of sheep and goats, and if
they weren’t dilly dallying under the palm
trees of some oasis, coz he knew that some of
them were lazy bums.
Poor lil Joe didn’t
know what was awaiting him. He got stripped of
his coat and smacked black and blue, then thrown
into a ditch like a piece of garbage. Instead of
killing him, they thought of how to get rid of
their bothersome brother and get money, by the
same token. They sold him as a slave for thirty
shekels - hey, Israel today uses the same money -
to a passing caravan of traders bound for the
land of Egypt.
The eleven remaining
brothers came back to their father in the evening
with crocodile tears, the hypocritters,
and showed the coat Jacob had given Joseph, torn
and smeared with blood. The patriarch cried his
heart out, believing that his favorite son had
been mauled by a lion. Of course he never once
thought of how tender the flesh of such a young
boy could be. So, I’m cruel, hey? How do you
feel when you eat a juicy cheese burger?
So it was that Joseph
became a slave, and the once idle softie had to
work very hard for his owner, lest he be lashed
like a stubborn donkey that refuses to obey his
master. He was so good at his job, that his
reputation eventually came to the ears of
Potiphar - the pharaoh who invented the potty for
babies. Potiphar made the young guy manager in
chief of all his property.
From a lanky nondescript
youth, Joseph turned into a hunk, with muscles
bulging everywhere - hey, ho, don’t be
vulgar, I didn’t mean what your twisted mind
is imagining. He was so handsome that Egypt’s
First lady, Potiphar’s wife wanted to seduce
him, forcing him to do lecherous shenanigans - no
this has nothing to do with café leche - with
her that I don’t need to describe here.
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