The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Jake and Fez Go Snorkeling
by Michael A. Skrien

Fez adjusted his mask and snorkel as he stood in the shallows. The Instructor had made it clear that once they were out in the midst of the Great Reef, there would be little time for assistance to individuals, so there was a special and urgent need to understand how the equipment worked.

Jake had already caught a small octopus with his bare hands and let it go, showing he was already mastering the process. He would not be the one to need assistance. He and his extra large fins stomped/walked/splashed loudly over to one of the better looking women in the group and introduced himself.

“Hello. I’m Jacob. Jacob Italy. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?”
“No, I don’t think I have. Why would I?”
“Well, I’ve quite the laundry list of headline accomplishments. Perhaps you don’t pay attention to national media. I like that about you. I came in fourth in Le Pomme de Terre Juggling contest three years ago in Lyon. Of course, I was in first until Frankie Carbattel cheated using Wyoming potatoes. Everyone knew but I was out of challenges and Bryan Collier was too scared of Frankie.
“How surprising I haven’t heard.”
“Yes, well, after the dive, perhaps we can get together for drinks?”

The dive went smoothly but for the inadvertent impaling of Jake’s foot by Fez who, even under water, was still adjusting his mask and holding his speargun in his good hand. He let it slip. The blood caused a minor accumulation of Bull Sharks who wrangled with Jake’s foot a bit, but most of it looked fine later with Neosporin and Play Dough. Healing coral was also administered and it worked wonders for shark mangles.

Jake hobbled round his hotel room, primping and spraying himself, dabbing his jet black hair perfectly as he was to meet the previously mentioned picture of beauty for drinks at the hotel bar. This was his big chance to score a trophy date!
He hobbled down the elegant velvet staircase, pausing every few steps to look across the giant lobby lounge in an attempt to snag “the ultimate glance” up from her position to see the stunning Jake coming down to talk to her. How lucky she was to be the object of his desires, even if for but one night. He mimicked her sigh.
Then he saw her. Sure enough. She was sitting alone on one of the couches sipping a frozen martini with a pineapple wedge and umbrella. The light slanted in from the stained glass windows in the front of the lobby and cast down upon her soft, golden hair just right. She looked up at him and gave a look as though she had just swallowed a goldfish and it wouldn’t go down her gullet.
Jake swept across the carpet and sidled up to her all in one swift movement. He offered her a flower from the vase on the table by putting it between his teeth. She took it and put it back in the vase. Then she stood up. Jake was confused. He beckoned her to stay and have a drink and a laugh.
“Sorry, I’ve got to go. My dinner date is here.” Donning his green tuxedo and fedora, it was Fez.