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Jake and Fez at the Pharmacy
by Michael A. Skrien

Jake slid into the parking space at high speed, skidding sideways and fitting perfectly into the spot - a good, legal space between the bumpers of the cars in line. He leaped out, leaving Fez to struggle with his seatbelt and curse. He approached the counter and bypassed several elderly women who were politely waiting in line.

“Where’s the AnthraxVax?!” The pharmacist was shocked and awed. “The what?” “The VAX man! The vaccine for anthrax poisoning! I need it quickly man!” Fez burst through the door, in from the street and wearing half a seatbelt. The knife was still in his hands.

“For him?“

“No, you cinderblock! Just get it!” The pharmacist ran back to his supply shelves while the patient ladies grew less polite, having had their life saving medication refills embargoed momentarily. They were on the precipice of The Bay of Pigs and each was slowly wrapping gnarled fingers around .38 revolvers in their purses. And, as in their youth when their cycles would magically acclimate to tandemness, so, too, their Depends adult undergarments all emitted a similar odor collectively – one of fear mixed with anticipation and pee. They wanted to pull their triggers. Elderly frustration and angst boiled. They needed to pull their triggers. They began pulling their guns from their purses.

“Here!” The pharmacist raced back to the counter with a small bottle filled with brown liquid. “Only two drops, but that should do it.” Jake left a 5-spot on the counter, nodded at the pharmacist, and turned to run down the aisle just as a .38 caliber bullet zinged past his ear. Immediately following was shot after shot of grannies, firing in all directions like children with thick eyeglasses waving heavy toys, bullets spraying everywhere and ricocheting off walls and countertops. Jake and Fez fled back to the car and sped off, Fez in the back seat this time, wearing a fresh seatbelt.

Jacob Italy knew how to handle all 450 horses in the Maserati they’d stolen earlier. Unfortunately, he never learned to drive a stick shift, so the two sped down the street, screaming in first gear reaching speeds approaching 75 kmh. Even the remaining old bitties in the pharmacy policing their brass had to cover their ears.

They arrived in time to see Budgie, their partner in crime on the floor in spasms. Quickly, Jake administered the antidote precisely as the pharma had said. Budgie barked and rolled over. He sat upright, tongue to the side and licked Fez on his cheek. Fez evacuated his stomach contents orally. They all laughed after cleaning up the mess and made plans to poison the neighbor who had set his vengeance upon Budge, for leaving fecal presents at random locations in his yard.

As the neighbor awoke, he saw the three standing over him in his own kitchen. He couldn’t move. He realized what they’d done and begged for the antidote. Jake held the bottle up to the light, then promptly dropped it, shattering the bottle and its contents. “Two drops is all you need!” The three ran out the door, jumped into the car and screamed down the street in first gear.