Isaac Replaced
by a Sheep
by Albert Russo
Challenging Abraham,
Goddess commanded him to sacrifice his son Isaac.
She must have had a row with some of her
creatures, how else could anyone to be so cruel.
Instead of refusing Her disgraceful and most uncushy
order, he let out loud farts of distress, drowned
by hiccups.
Seconds before he was going
to slit the head of his son, Abraham’s ear
suddenly tickled him something too terrible, that’s
when he heard the grating voice of Goddess.
“Don’t kill your
son, for now I am certain that you will always be
loyal to me.”
Abe shivered like an ox and
peed for joy, so much so that he soon stood in
the middle of the pool of his own piss.
Don’t tell me that I
am being vulgar, mentioning bodily stuff. I
remember a famous French actor, hailed by a horde
of fans. To the girl who tore one of his sleeves
off, sniffing it like it wafted - woof woof -
some kind of expensive perfume, then stuffing it
in her mouth, he said: “Let me be clear, my
friends. I‘m no different from any of you, I
too have to go to the loo, for number two. Yes I
also take a crap when I need too.”
A ram, stinking to high
heaven - it oughta be to ‘shitty hell’,
but the English language ain’t always up to
par -, started to bleat in the nearby bush.
Before its awful smell could reach his lungs, Abe
caught the animal by the horns, punched it with
both fists between the eyes and knocked it out on
the spot, then he offered the poor animal to
Goddess in sacrifice. Mmm, soon one could smell
the delicious odor of grilled ribs and t-bone
steak.
Now, instead of getting mad
at his father for almost killing him, Isaac
thanked him with these words: “You gave me
to Goddess and, blessed be Her Name, She gave me
back to you.” Well I never, what kind of
bleating attitude is that, Jeezette! This bad
example could give my uncle twisted ideas, like
punishing me for no reason. But I’m no Isaac
and I would be the one to punch him back so hard,
his head would spin like a top and end up facing
his back, like Meryl Streep in that movie whose
title I forgot.
Isaac and his wifey Rebekah
produced twins, Esau and Jacob. Esau was his
father’s favorite, while Rebekah had a soft
spot for Jacob. Now that Isaac was old and almost
blind, he wanted Esau to take over and lead the
tribe, that’s called a birthright.
Rebekah told her favorite
son to go to his father and get his blessing
before Esau could reach him, on account that the ladder
had gone out hunting for food.
“But Mummy dearest,
even if Dad can’t see anymore, he will touch
me and know that I am not Esau.”
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