I Have A Sister
by Albert Russo
I HAVE A SISTER, DID YOU
HEAR, I HAVE A GODDAMNED SISTER!
When they told me, I
thought I was going to fall through my chair and
get stuck with both arms and legs tied in the
middle like them chickens in the market that
wonder what the hell their feet are doing next to
their heads. Said sister, whose name is Mirabel,
was accompanied by her mother. We stared at
each other like two constipated alligators
waiting for the other to open its snout,
while pushing silently.
Can you imagine, getting a
new sister, out of nowhere, sent by the Holy
Ghost, with no pre- or postperation of any
kind, but with a lot of perspiration afterwards!
And not by the same mother,
washmore!
Every once in a while I
would cast a quick glance at my mom and my uncle.
They both had such grim faces, it depressed me
even more.
It was Mirabel’s
mother who spoke first. Like my mom, and at about
the same time, she fell head over heels in love
with said Brad McInnerny, the sly little bugger.
With the difference that
she didn’t believe in marriage and
consequently kept my mother’s husband during
the weekends at her place - do you still follow
me?
She didn’t know they
were living in sin as adulterers, coz she had no
clue that he was already married to someone else
and had a another daughter (me). But she soon
realized what an invertebrat gallivanter he was,
running after every Tonia, Dolly and Harriet who
happened to cross his way, and she chased him
away. Things apparently weren’t working out
for my mom either and he emigrated to Latin
America.
How did Mirabel’s
mother find out? He had the gall to send her a
postcard from the Amazon, with no sender’s
return address on it. According to her, he got
tired of European broads and decided he wanted to
try his luck with the head shrinkers in the
jungles of Brazil. Don’t count on me though
to go repeat at school that my father chases
after shameless rain-forest hussies who walk
around naked, wearing only a wishbone through
their noses. I wonder what they do with their
mouths, coz they never seem to have any teeth
left.
What have we left on our
hands, after all that soul and mindboggling
searching?
Gobbledegook and a couple
of geeks, is what I say.
A father who’s
vanished in Parrotland, a sister I’ve never
asked for, who furthermore looks dumb and founded,
and a stepmother who thinks she’s Claudie
Stiffer’s clone (more of a clown, really) -
with the difference that she’s at least
twenty years her senior and has the backside of a
hippo cow, not to mention her bazooms which make
you squint the moment you try to focus on her
triple chin, coz that’s where your attention
goes when she talks to you.
Excerpted
from Zapinette in Gay Paree. I
HAVE A SISTER! by Albert Russo
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