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I Have A Sister
by Albert Russo


When they told me, I thought I was going to fall through my chair and get stuck with both arms and legs tied in the middle like them chickens in the market that wonder what the hell their feet are doing next to their heads. Said sister, whose name is Mirabel, was accompanied  by her mother. We stared at each other like two constipated alligators waiting for the other to open its snout, while pushing silently. 

Can you imagine, getting a new sister, out of nowhere, sent by the Holy Ghost, with no pre- or postperation of any kind, but with a lot of perspiration afterwards!  

And not by the same mother, washmore! 

Every once in a while I would cast a quick glance at my mom and my uncle. They both had such grim faces, it depressed me even more. 

It was Mirabel’s mother who spoke first. Like my mom, and at about the same time, she fell head over heels in love with said Brad McInnerny, the sly little bugger.

With the difference that she didn’t believe in marriage and consequently kept my mother’s husband during the weekends at her place - do you still follow me?

She didn’t know they were living in sin as adulterers, coz she had no clue that he was already married to someone else and had a another daughter (me). But she soon realized what an invertebrat gallivanter he was, running after every Tonia, Dolly and Harriet who happened to cross his way, and she chased him away. Things apparently weren’t working out for my mom either and he emigrated to Latin America.

How did Mirabel’s mother find out? He had the gall to send her a postcard from the Amazon, with no sender’s return address on it. According to her, he got tired of European broads and decided he wanted to try his luck with the head shrinkers in the jungles of Brazil. Don’t count on me though to go repeat at school that my father chases after shameless rain-forest hussies who walk around naked, wearing only a wishbone through their noses. I wonder what they do with their mouths, coz they never seem to have any teeth left.

What have we left on our hands, after all that soul and mindboggling searching?

Gobbledegook and a couple of geeks, is what I say.

A father who’s vanished in Parrotland, a sister I’ve never asked for, who furthermore looks dumb and founded, and a stepmother who thinks she’s Claudie Stiffer’s clone (more of a clown, really) - with the difference that she’s at least twenty years her senior and has the backside of a hippo cow, not to mention her bazooms which make you squint the moment you try to focus on her triple chin, coz that’s where your attention goes when she talks to you.

Excerpted from Zapinette in Gay Paree.  I HAVE A SISTER! by Albert Russo