The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

How to Win at Poker—Another Inappropriate Life Lesson for Kids
by Bob Iozzia

There may come a time in your life when you will have to quit school to help your family pay its bills, especially if one or more of your parents is rotting in prison for one reason or fifty others. Maybe your dad was busted in a presidential assassination sting or your mom tried to sell a “trip around the world” to a vice cop.

There’s not much legitimate work available for pre-teens, but there are other ways to make money, and none of it will have to be reported to the tax Gestapo. I wouldn’t broadcast what it is you’re doing—the less people who know what you’re up to lessens the chances of you going to prison and/or getting nuked in the electric chair.

The following are my suggestions of how to win at poker, which is the easiest way for you to earn tax-free money. Full disclosure: this can be dangerous and there is no guarantee you will not get the seedy side of life’s equivalent of a Sorry Ticket. Also, I’ve never tried any of these tricks because I don’t gamble because I don’t have to because I don’t need extra money because I have a wife who supports me. Sweet, right?

Good luck:

1. There are many ways to cheat, including hiding a card or two for use during the next game. This is the best way for a kid to cheat. You could stash the card[s] under the table or in your juice box tote. If you get caught, fake crying and sob, “I’m just a kid. I didn’t know cheating was wrong; rich people do it all the time. Why are you making an example out of me? Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa.”

2. DON’T BLUFF TOO MUCH. In poker, bluffing means pretending your cards are good enough to win and you bet a lot of money. Since you’re just a kid and not as crafty and crooked as the adults in the game—all of whom are cheating—you will lose a lot of money. The good news is, if you lose a lot of money, you will be welcomed back to play again (and lose a lot of money).

3. STEAL ALL THE MONEY THAT’S ON THE TABLE. You can only try this maneuver once. FYI, you will probably not be able to take two steps toward the door before the other players jump your bones and throw you out of a window. The good news is it’s a quicker way to get out of the poker room than running down five flights of stairs. The bad news is you’ve just been thrown out of a five-story window, you don’t have the money and you probably won’t be invited back, even if you didn’t have to spend the next six months in a full body cast.