Holo’s Head
Falls
by Albert Russo
After all these religious
shenanigans, punctuated by ‘thous’,
‘doths’ and precious snots - my
computer dictionary replaced the second word with
‘moths’, and you think I am extravagant!
-, strangely enough, instead of looking washed
and pooped out, Judith saw herself in the mirror
looking as fresh as the morning dew, with the
rosiest cheeks ever. Remember Liz Taylor in
‘Cleopatra’? Well, she was made up like
her too.
Judith was welcomed by
Holofernes like the queen of heaven, so
spellbound was he before what he believed was an
apparition that only the gods - them heathens
believed in potty-ism, with one god for
every occasion - could have sent him, coz to
produce such an exceptional event. that could
only be called a miracle, they had to join forces.
Our deliciously seductive
lassie - I forgot to mention that she had doused
herself with the most expensive perfumes one
could find in the land - promised her host and
his army a pleasant and safe trip to Jerusalem,
pretending she didn’t know that his aim was
to destroy her capital.
They had a royal orgy of a
banquet that lasted to the wee wee hours of the
morning, and while Holo-schmuck was
gorging himself with game meat and crawfish of
all types, and drinking five different types of
wine, Judith very delicately nibbled at her food,
chewing it as long as she could in order not to
give herself away. Her jaws ached, but she had to
look like she relished every morsel of the
specialties of the house. When she lifted her
glass, she would lick its edge with much gusto,
mumbling mmm … mmm, and she repeated that
gesture every time Holofernes remembered her
presence, on account that now he was enamoured
both with her and with his food and couldn’t
decide which or who had to come first.
Fortunately, between the loud burps and ratatat
farts of her fake lover, no one noticed her ruse.
Drunk as a skunk - I didn’t
know that these stinking animals were bootleggers
- Hell ’n Furnace started bawling,
like a bar-i-tone, spitting half of his
food over Judith and his neighbors.
“The crap one has to
endure from this mamzer!” she
remarked to herself. “Just you wait, Henry
Higgins” - ok, she didn’t say that, but
I loooved that old but so cool musical My
Fair Lady so much that I often use that
phrase - “you won’t be roaring much
longer, or infect us with your foul smells.”
In a last gesture, before
he collapsed on his couch, Hollo sent his
courtesans away, remaining alone with Judith. She
prayed Goddess to give her the courage to do what
she had to do in order to save her people. And a
few seconds later, she got hold of the sword of
the Assyrian general and struck him several times
in the neck. In spite of all the blood gushing
out of it, she went on and beheaded him. Wow,
what nerve that lassie had!
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