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Holo’s Head Falls
by Albert Russo

After all these religious shenanigans, punctuated by ‘thous’, ‘doths’ and precious snots - my computer dictionary replaced the second word with ‘moths’, and you think I am extravagant! -, strangely enough, instead of looking washed and pooped out, Judith saw herself in the mirror looking as fresh as the morning dew, with the rosiest cheeks ever. Remember Liz Taylor in ‘Cleopatra’? Well, she was made up like her too.

Judith was welcomed by Holofernes like the queen of heaven, so spellbound was he before what he believed was an apparition that only the gods - them heathens believed in potty-ism, with one god for every occasion - could have sent him, coz to produce such an exceptional event. that could only be called a miracle, they had to join forces.

Our deliciously seductive lassie - I forgot to mention that she had doused herself with the most expensive perfumes one could find in the land - promised her host and his army a pleasant and safe trip to Jerusalem, pretending she didn’t know that his aim was to destroy her capital.

They had a royal orgy of a banquet that lasted to the wee wee hours of the morning, and while Holo-schmuck was gorging himself with game meat and crawfish of all types, and drinking five different types of wine, Judith very delicately nibbled at her food, chewing it as long as she could in order not to give herself away. Her jaws ached, but she had to look like she relished every morsel of the specialties of the house. When she lifted her glass, she would lick its edge with much gusto, mumbling mmm … mmm, and she repeated that gesture every time Holofernes remembered her presence, on account that now he was enamoured both with her and with his food and couldn’t decide which or who had to come first. Fortunately, between the loud burps and ratatat farts of her fake lover, no one noticed her ruse.

Drunk as a skunk - I didn’t know that these stinking animals were bootleggers - Hell ’n Furnace started bawling, like a bar-i-tone, spitting half of his food over Judith and his neighbors.

“The crap one has to endure from this mamzer!” she remarked to herself. “Just you wait, Henry Higgins” - ok, she didn’t say that, but I loooved that old but so cool musical My Fair Lady so much that I often use that phrase - “you won’t be roaring much longer, or infect us with your foul smells.”

In a last gesture, before he collapsed on his couch, Hollo sent his courtesans away, remaining alone with Judith. She prayed Goddess to give her the courage to do what she had to do in order to save her people. And a few seconds later, she got hold of the sword of the Assyrian general and struck him several times in the neck. In spite of all the blood gushing out of it, she went on and beheaded him. Wow, what nerve that lassie had!