Hellish Egypt
by Albert Russo
In less time than you eat
your meal, Goddess turned the Nile into a river
of blood, let millions of frogs and toads - yuk
yuk, the ladder specially! - invade the
land, gnats infest everything in every single
Egyptian house, attack their beds and even their
hair - yeah you can die from tickling. I wonder
how better it is than dying laughing.
As if all these punishments
weren’t enough, and since Fairho was still
not bending to Mo’s pleas, Goddess added new
plagues. She sent so many furious furry flies all
over the land that the people couldn’t see
straight anymore. The flies covered every surface,
their faces, their bodies, their food, their
behinds when they had to do number two. Then all
the animals and livestock died of mad goat, mad
cow and also mad camel disease.
Now, you would think that
after all these terrible things happening to his
subjects and to Himself, FairHo would have
understood Goddess’ warning. Shuks, He was
so pig- and bullheaded that even with gnats in
His fair, up and down-under, with the flies and
mosquitos buzzing around His head and pricking
His delicately perfumed skin, even His
whatchamacallit, He still growled a faint,
dribbling Nooo.
It didn’t end here,
for every Egyptian, including their king, had
their whole skin swollen with boils and pus so
ugly, itchy and stinking that they looked like
they were eaten up by termites with rabies - yeah,
not only dogs have that sickness, so I claim.
While all this was going on,
Goddess spared the Hebrews, which made their
oppressors seethe with rage, while they were
suffering something too awful.
A formidable storm then
broke out, sending hailstones the size of
coconuts all over the country, smashing the poor
people’s huts to a pulp, and even destroying
palaces, killing thousands. Millions of locusts
nibbled on every leaf, fruit and vegetable the
land contained, razing everything that grew out
of the earth so that soon the people had nothing
to eat that could keep them healthy and they
began to chew on bark, dried roots and even bug
skeletons.
But the worst of all the
plagues finally changed FairHo’s mind: every
first-born Egyptian was struck with death. The
king then called for Moses and ordered him to get
the heck out of Egypt with his friggin’
people, their cattle and their meager belongings,
on account that he couldn’t stand the curse
of Goddess anymore, She who, he admitted, had the
powers of a thousand devils, the likes of which
not even the most vicious of the Egyptian gods
could match, not the Cobra, nor the Scorpion, not
even the mighty Croc, who in comparison performed
like pussyfooty ladybugs.
The next day, Mo, his
people and their carts pulled by hundreds of
pairs of cattle made their way out of the now
poisoned land where they had lived for hundreds
of years.
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