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Gay Tel Aviv
by Albert Russo

Bonka stood non-pussied, like I had given him a knock in the head, and he started blinking like a bloomin ventriloquist’s puppet.

When he does that, people think he’s having an apoplectic fit and scares the wits of all and sundry around us. Then I have to holler to straighten him out: “Focus, Boondak, fer crying out loud, don’t bite your tongue and stop the shenanigans!”

You should have seen the two hunks, suddenly turning into lifeguards, to save my uncle from swooning. An ass-side here is necessary for those of you who know nothing about this country.

Like all Israelis who have done their military service - generally 3 years for boys, and 2 years for girls -, they go through a very thorough training. Not only do they learn to manipulate weapons, but they become para-medics and have to be ready to take care of soldiers and civilians wounded in terror attacks. Also, in the IDF - which stands not for Ile-de-France, nerd, but for Israeli Defense Forces; it includes the army, the navy and the air force -, the young recruits who have an undergraduate degree can apply for different positions in the army, earning college degrees while in service. In other words, they study like at university.

So, these two guardian angels started rescoopscitating my uncle the carbuncle, who was performing like a friggin fried nincompoop, all the while urging him to focooss, stay focoossed, which with their thick Hebrew accent sounded like ‘fuck it, fuck it’! I didn’t know whether to lol or get angry at Bonka, who, after I gave him a punch in the solar plexus - I dunno what the sun has to do with it, but it’s an expreshun - finally focoosed, and he started drooling like a dog lost in the desert. Oh siss, siss, as they say in Afrikaans, to show their disgust!

A good thing they didn’t have to do the mouth-to-mouth shtick, on account that my uncle would have dreamt he was being lifted in a gay paradise. That would be the day. As it is, Tel Aviv is known as the gay capital of the Middle East. You should see all these hunks running along all over the city, half naked, in shorts or bermudas, with their bulging muscles, up and downstairs! Too awesome for words. You also see them holding hands, and even kissing in broad daylight, like heteros, and nobody says anything, like it’s the most natural thing to do. Wa wee, and washmore, you come across gay or lesbian couples pushing prams with one or two babies, while accompanied by their doggy. Jeezette, I now understand why my uncle’s pupils sometimes seem to pop out of their orbits. He’s - we’ve never seen scenes like that anywhere during our travels, and certainly not in Paris. They would be arrested for indecent exposure, with the Catholic brigade intervening in force, and promissing hell and high water.