FW: Bad Memo
From Management
by Maury Levine
To: All
Employees
From:
Management
Re: Updated
Policy Updates and Revising of Policy Revisions
The Committee
on Policy and Synergistic Visioneering has
returned from their annual Planning for Tomorrow’s
Future Strategy retreat, and several new
corporate policies will be implemented. The
changes are listed in the Online Employee
Handbook under the section Latest Updated
Implementation Procedures for Revised Corporate
Policy Changes, and are also listed below:
– The
Strategic Goals and Goal Setting Strategies
Committee is implementing a new goal setting
policy – All employees are required to use
the terms “goals” and “goal
setting” in internal communications 40% more
than the previous year. If you are unsure what
your percentage use of the terms “goals”
and “goal setting” was last year,
contact the Help Desk.
– The
Monitoring Information Creates Reliable Output (MICRO)
Management Committee is now requiring all
employees to submit their Daily, Weekly, and
Monthly Activity Reports to all members of Team
Management – Goals, Team Management –
Results, Team Management – Reporting, and
Team Management – Management. All of those
management teams will send summaries of their
findings to members of Team Management –
Summaries, who will summarize the summaries, and
send a summary of their findings to each employee
for their verification and summary.
– The
Office Supply and Usage Committee has implemented
the following cost saving measures:
1. All ten key calculators will be phased
out during the coming fiscal year. They will be
replaced with seven key calculators, which will
result in a 30% annual savings in calculator
expenses.
2. Due to the rising cost of steel,
employees will only be allowed to staple three
items per week. If an employee needs to staple
more than three items per week, they will need to
access the Online Staple Override Tracker, which
is located within the Online Employee Handbook
under the Stapler Resources tab. Employees will
need to enter their full legal name, employee
number, desk location, phone extension, and their
supervisor’s name and phone extension. After
the three step verification process, employees
will enter the reason for the stapler usage
override request. All Staple Override Requests
will be reviewed by the Office Supply and Usage
Committee. After consideration, employees can
expect to hear the results of their request
within a week. Savings from this policy are
expected to save the company upwards of $17.95
per year.
3. Company will no longer provide Liquid
Paper or pencils with erasers in the office. This
is projected to decrease work product errors by
75% per month and save the company $500,000 per
year.
– The
Employee Review and Evaluation Standards
Committee is implementing new standards for
employee self evaluations. In the past, employees
have been able to evaluate themselves as “excellent”
as the highest grade in all categories. Moving
forward, the highest grade an employee may give
themselves is a grade of “good.” The
Committee believes this change will motivate
employees to work harder in order to achieve an
“excellent” score, despite it no longer
being attainable.
– The
Employee Morale and Team Building Together
Committee has changed the name of The Employee
Break Room to The Employee Cantina, and
management will provide two whimsical sombreros
that can be shared by all employees and worn only
in The Cantina. As a reminder, wearing sombreros
in employee work areas is against the company
dress code and can result in punishment up to and
including termination. Tuesdays are Taco Tuesdays
in The Cantina! Management will not supply tacos
for Taco Tuesdays.
– The
Vehicular Safety and Parking Committee has heard
your complaints about the lack of parking in our
parking lot, and is excited to announce our new
Employee Parking Lot. Directions to the new lot
are simple – exit the current parking lot
and drive three blocks north to the gravel lot
behind the pawn shop and directly adjacent to the
dumpsters. The parking lot next to our building
is reserved for management, visitors, other
building tenants, delivery vehicles, food trucks,
bicycles, unicycles, and overflow parking for the
pawn shop. For your safety, if you park in the
lot next to our building, your car will be towed.
– The
Employee Fitness, Wellness, Movement, and
Exercise Committee announces the new Keep It
Moving Club! The company recognizes that exercise
in the workplace can increase productivity and
lead to better overall health, and the new club
promises to “keep you moving.”
Employees will meet daily at 4:00pm outside the
first floor conference room. Once gathered, each
employee will take a piece of furniture from the
first floor conference room and move it to the
twelfth floor conference room. Next, employees
will move furniture from the twelfth floor
conference room to the first floor conference
room. You’ll feel the benefits of exercise
immediately! Participation in the Keep It Moving
Club is mandatory.
Originally
published at Little Old Lady Comedy on May 12,
2023
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