Four of
Wimbledon's Courts Converting to Pickleball
Courts
by Maury Levine
London,
England - Following the conclusion of this year's
tournament, Wimbledon will convert four of it's
legendary tennis courts into pickleball courts.
Blarney Damonson, Executive Director of
Membership Recruitment for Wimbledon, explained,
"Right. We've been doing some research on
our membership here, and we discovered that the
average age of our members is currently seventy-seven
years old. That's almost bloody eighty years old!"
Damonson continued, "So, we got a little
problem here. Our older members - they're kicking
the bucket, right? They're expiring every day. We
had two keel over just yesterday. We need to find
new activities to bring some young blood into the
club. All my young nieces and nephews - they
bloody love pickleball!"
Not all members of Wimbledon are looking forward
to pickleball's impending arrival. Oliver Clemmie,
77, called pickleball, "Poppycock,"
adding, "Pickleball makes a mockery of the
great and grand sport of tennis! It takes tennis
and removes the passion, grandeur, and dignity.
Would you have Lord of Rings take place in a
junkyard? Would you have The Beatles sing nursery
rhymes? Would you have the King of England serve
fish and chips to the commoners? You bloody well
certainly would not! Keep pickleball on the
playgrounds and out of Wimbledon!"
William Hewlet, 77, agreed with Clemmie. "Pickleball
ain't no blooming sport," he said. "It's
an activity! An activity for uncoordinated, snot-nosed
little school children who can't make the tennis
team! Pickleball ain't got no place at Wimbledon!"
Jonathan Blissnomer, 77, isn't a fan of
pickleball or it's origins. "Pickleball is a
blatantly American sport," he said. "It
has no place on our shore. Those red, white, and
blue flag waving, fast food eating, gun toting,
cowboy hat wearing Americans think that brutal
sport they play is called football. We Brits
actually understand that soccer is the real
football."
Harvey Blythe, 77, said, "Pickleball, meh,"
before falling over dead.
Despite the naysayers, Damonson was bullish on
pickleball attracting younger members. "We
know it will attract youth, right? And after the
pickleball courts are completed, we're planning
even more. We're going to add go carts, lazer tag,
escape rooms, miniature golf, ax throwing, and
bouncy castles. We're even going to purchase an
old Chuck E Cheese animatronic show and put it in
the clubhouse. We'll be able to host children's
birthday parties from open to close! Wimbledon
will be crawling with more young people than you
can shake a stick at!"
Reservations for using the pickleball courts are
being accepted now. Use the code YOUTH for a 5%
discount.
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