The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Figure This Out:

by Albert Russo

I have a hunch that Bonka, in his heart of artichokes, might want to settle in Tel Aviv, on account that he would no longer feel ashamed of his homey closet status. What next? Ok, it’s nice here, but there is one condition for which it would be possible. Bonka would have to get married to an Israeli in order to get his Israeli residence - and here it doesn’t matter whether his better half is a he or a she (he won’t go for the latter); he would have to be better than him, coz my uncle needs a total mind makeover, on account that he is too pussy-mousy in a country where sissies can’t keep pace with this tchik tchak (forever in a hurry) folk. Washmore, we would then both have to learn Hebrew, reading and writing from right to left. Their letters look like bloomin high-row-glee-flix. Can one ever learn this stuff without going bonkers and land upside down or right-to-leftways? Even in English, I can’t write with my left hand.

So that I should be less annoyed at the prospect, my uncle gave me examples of English words that come directly from the Hebrew, like ‘alphabet’, which here is ‘alef bet’,’halleluya’, ‘amen’,‘sabbatical’, and two forks and ding dong. A fat lot that will help me. Look at this and tell me what you make of it, except if you wish to specialize in calligraphy: , which means, ‘Tel Aviv is a cool city’. Cool, ha! It gives me the hots - upstairs in the gray cells, you pervert!

“How would you like to spend the evening in Old Jaffa with us? We could go with a couple of interesting artist friends of ours.” offered Avi, the blonde hunk.

Giggling, Ariel, his muscled husband said: “Oh, guys, I must tell you what Avi’s mom’s reaction was after she had met them the first time. It’s priceless.”

“Yeah, very interesting people alright! The girl is full of sophisticated piercings, one dangling from her nostril, almost reaching her mouth, another one hanging from her chin, which make her look like some kind of Hindu goddess, and if that isn’t enough, she has two of them stuck at the tip of her tongue and high up in her ears; where else, I don’t dare ask. As for Wahala Mahmood, apart from pulling prozacked rabbits from his hat, he paints the weirdest faces, no, not like Picasso or Van Dongen - did he have his limbs in the right place with a name like that? -, all dismembered and squashed, they’re figurative all right. He tattoos their foreheads and cheeks with bleeding stars of David and Islamic crescents, and if you look closely enough, you realize that they’re fighting. I wonder if those two, even if she is a gothik renegade Jewess and he a non-practicing fatwa’d Muslim - that’s what he claims to be - aren’t plotting a terror attack together.”