Endings to
Stories
(Beginnings and
Middles Have Been Omitted So as to Not Waste Your
Time with the Small Stuff)
Vol. 1
by Bob Iozzia
The Incredible Lightness of
Not Being Heavy
After excising
needless activities from his daily routine and
having just realized he could navigate life with
only one testicle, Harold mustered the courage to
audition for a European swim thong photo ad
campaign.
“I feel much freer and lighter now that I
don’t have so many balls in the air,”
he would have said had he appreciated the
occasional punny irony of metaphors and not been
in excruciating pain.
~The End~
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Gone With the Windmill
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“NO.”
Mercedes smacked her forehead the way quirky,
forgetful people do when they remember it’s
futile to argue with themselves because they
seldom win.
~The End~
******************************
A Bad Day to Quit Smoking
Newly deceased
Wallace Birkenouer accused the Angel of Death of
splitting hairs with an ax he just couldn’t
wait to grind him with when Wallace blurted in
frustration following his wife’s
announcement that her mother and her nine cats
were moving into his man cave, “Just kill me
now!”
~The End~
******************************
What Doesn’t Make You
Strong Kills You
It was only
when their car went airborne off a cliff and was
about to crash-land in the ocean that Betty and
Davey Solomon realized the answer to their
unfinished crossword puzzle’s 16 Across was
“Taylor Swift.”
~The End~
******************************
Good Riddance to Good
Manners
“I’m
a Pisces and that’s why I don’t eat
fish,” Aurora Rainbow O’Connor said out
of context at Burning Man as she munched a snack-sized
bag of kale chips.
“HELP ME,” yelled an actual burning man
smoldering next to her, “AND CHEW WITH YOUR
MOUTH CLOSED, FOR CHRISSAKES. DO YOU KNOW HOW
UNATTRACTIVE THAT IS?”
“No, I don’t. Tell me,” she said
as some almost-chewed kale chip pieces fell out
of her open-chewing mouth.
“IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION,” the
burning man scolded while being issued a summons
from the festival’s fire tribe freaks for
being a buzz-kill and for burning trash without a
permit.
After returning home at the conclusion of Burning
Man, Aurora Rainbow O’Connor’s mother
Vivyan Moonbeam O’Connor Davis Portnoy asked
her, “So how was your festival?”
“Oh, it was pretty far-out,” Aurora
said between open-mouth chews of spinach chips,
“except for a really rude man who bummed me
out at the end.”
“Why, was he burning?” Vivyan
thought she joked as she cleaned up some of the
almost-chewed spinach chip pieces that were
falling out of her daughter’s open-chewing
mouth.
~The End~
******************************
Chocolate Horizon Balloon
And so,
because of the band’s cancellation due to a
misunderstanding about the nature of the gig, the
grand entrance of the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse at the End of Days lacked the dramatic
panache that would have been provided by a killer
fanfare from the no-show Calypso Mother Jumpers.
~The End~
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